


Connie Swap: Peridot’s What-If Machine Collection

by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW



Series: Connie Swap [31]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Gen, Momswap, Omake, Steven Universe AU, Vignette
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-09 00:35:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 21,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12265302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurdenKing/pseuds/BurdenKing, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW
Summary: Peridot unveils her latest and greatest invention: a device that can scour the Multiverse, answering hypothetical questions with brief scenes.Questions are asked by readers of theConnie Swap seriesand the Connie Swap Team writes mini-omakes which are then posted to this collection. The answers are stand-alone and non-canonical.





	1. Ask a Question for Peridot’s What-If Machine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot unveils her latest and greatest invention. Responses are mixed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is [an actual prompt](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/post/165090279873/ask-a-question-for-peridots-what-if-machine) on the Connie Swap Tumblr. CoreyWW proposed the idea and br42 wrote the framing story. Feel free to post an ask on either the Tumblr or here in the comments.
> 
> Answers will go up on the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/) and in this collection here.

Steven was braiding Connie’s hair. Connie was braiding Jasper’s hair. Jasper was working her way through one of Connie’s choose-your-own-adventure books. Lapis wasn’t so much braiding Steven’s hair as sifting through it like someone trying to read their future in tea leaves.

Other than Steven humming tunelessly, the Beach House was silent. Peaceful.

The temple door opened and Peridot, wearing a lab coat, wheeled something covered in a tarp into the center of the room.

“Excellent tidings, everyone!” she declared, all eyes upon her.

“What’s that, ma'am?” asked Connie as she braided a tiny bit more order into the fluffy white chaos in front of her.

“How kind of you to ask, dear,” preened the technician. “I present to you all,” she paused for dramatic effect, “my greatest invention!” and she whipped the tarp back.

Sitting on a wheeled podium was a contraption of tangled wires and iridescent green metal. A large screen dominated the front. A pull chord like you’d find on a push mower poked out from the side.

“Oooh~” said Steven.

“Wow!” exclaimed Lapis. “I have no idea what that is!”

Peridot pulled herself up proudly and said, “This is a Tachyonic Atemporal Cross-dimensional Oracle.”

Lapis considered this. “Now I have no idea what it is and I suddenly crave Tex-Mex.”

Peridot rolled her eyes. “You pose it a question and it combs the multiverse to show you an answer. But only a brief one: this device can’t sustain prolonged operation as it was built from refurbished Sea Shrine salvage.”

“Kind of like those little hourglass things from that sunken lab?” asked Connie, her face carefully neutral.

Peridot bounced on her heel-equivalents. “Yes, precisely.”

“Smash it?” asked Jasper.

“Smash it,” answered Connie.

The two got up, the latter going to grab something blunt and heavy from the kitchen cabinets.

“Wait!” cried Peridot, moving to shelter her precious device with her physical form. “I can assure you that the odds of this machine summoning dimensional doppelgangers are infinitesimal!”

“How about the odds of it traumatizing me?” drawled Connie, eyebrow raised and a heavy skillet in her grip.

Peridot opened her mouth, then closed her mouth, then shook her head. Wearing a smile that failed to reach her eyes, she said, “Let’s not get lost in speculation. The important thing is that we have the entirety of what is and what can ever be, right here for our inquiring. So let’s inquire!”

Lapis raised her arm high overhead, rocking impatiently. “Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!”

“Yes, Laz?” Peridot said, her expression satisfied once more.

“What if I found another gummy bear in Steven’s hair?”

“Hey,” objected Steven, who then paused and said, “Actually, I’d kind of like to ask how that got in there.”

While Peridot’s face was in her palm-equivalent, Jasper cleared her throat and asked, “What would happen if I smashed this machine?”

Peridot threw her limb enhancers in the air and declared, “I offer you all a glimpse at the infinite and these are the thanks I receive? Fine! Connie, you may ask the first question. That way you can be sure it is nothing you’d find objectionable to your impressionable psyche.”

Connie set the cast iron skillet on the countertop and considered the offer, looking over the group. Lapis gave her a thumbs up. Steven was preoccupied combing through his hair. Jasper shrugged. Peridot’s eyes were pleading.

“Wellllll, there are a few things I’ve been wondering about,” conceded the girl.

“Then it’s settled!” chirped Peridot. “Now I merely need to perform the delicate initialization process.”

Walking around to the side of the device, the technician braced one gravity connector against the podium and gripped the pull chord with her floating fingers. She tugged once, twice, three times, all while grumbling about ‘shoddy Era-1 scrap’. On the fourth try there was a sound like a car backfiring and then a motor chugged to life.

Peridot reached into the nest of wires extending from the back of the machine, twiddling this and that. She then formed a fist-equivalent, banged on the top of the T.A.C.O. twice, and was rewarded with a warm glow from the screen. Peridot brushed her hand-equivalents together, satisfied in a job well done, and moved aside.

On the display was a single sentence:

_What is your question?_

A hush fell over the room (motor noises notwithstanding) and Connie stepped forward. She cleared her throat, drew in a breath, and said… 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have a “what if” style prompt for any of the Connie Swap characters to say, send it to us via Tumblr or write it in the comments below and we’ll create a short scene using it. They’ll be fun non-canon things so feel free to ask anything (SFW-appropriate please).


	2. What if Lapis acknowledges that her relationship with Peridot is fundamentally unhealthy?

[shifted-destinies](https://shifted-destinies.tumblr.com/) asked [here](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/post/165224081878/whaaat-if-lapis-finally-acknowledges-that-her):

> Whaaat if... Lapis finally acknowledges that her relationship with Peridot is fundamentally unhealthy?

* * *

Everyone huddled around the screen. The T.A.C.O’s screen gave a warm glow as they saw …

An image of all of them huddled around the T.A.C.O.

Lapis groaned.

“Stupid thing must be messed up,” Lapis said, at the exact moment the Lapis on screen said the same thing.

“That’s not the only thing,” Jasper muttered.

“Cool!” Steven said. “The little people on screen are doing everything we ar–” Steven winced as he heard the Steven on screen repeat his words. “Wow, that echo is distracting.” Steven adjusted his hearing aids.

Peridot, however, stood next to the machine, burying her face into her palm.

“A whole multiverse at your touch stumps and the first question you ask is a local call …” Peridot said.

At that moment, the T.A.C.O’s image distorted into static before falling dark.


	3. What if Connie and Steven marry and have kids?

[anawinkaro](http://anawinkaro.tumblr.com/) asked [here](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/post/165330438828/i-imagine-lapis-asking-this-what-if-connie-and):

> I Imagine Lapis asking this: What if Connie and Steven marry and have kids?

* * *

_“Lapis!”_ Connie shouted, her cheeks a crimson red.

Lapis chortled as her only response.

Jasper’s eyes narrow. She clenched her fist.

Peridot’s mouth opened and closed like a gasping fish.

Connie risked a glance at Steven, who was hiding his face in his hands. He seemed to be peeking out at the screen through his fingers.

Unfortunately, before Connie could try to focus her electricity powers to blow up the T.A.C.O, its screen lit up.

* * *

The light from the Warp Pad faded. Connie stepped into the kitchen, brushing some ash from her business suit. She held a briefcase in her hand. Her sword was clipped to her hip.

“Honey, I’m home,” Connie said.

Steven peeked out, holding baby Dot over his shoulder while he mixed something in a mixing bowl.

“Hey sweetie!” he said with a smile.

Connie leaned in and kissed him.

From around the corner, Lisa charged forward, her dark curly hair bouncing up and down as she sprung forward and hugged Connie’s legs like a koala bear.

“MOMMY!” she yelled.

Connie chuckled and crouched down to hug her.

“Hi Lisa. Did you have a good day?” Connie asked.

“Yeah! I got to go to a water park with Auntie Lapis, Grandpa Doug took me to the arcade, and Grandma Mary and Auntie Jasper had an angry face contest!”

Connie looked up at Steven, her eyebrow raised.

“Angry face contest?”

“Peridot’s ‘grandkid timeshare’ app had a bug and double-booked mom and Jasper this afternoon,” Steven said, setting down the mixing bowl and bouncing Dot as she cooed. “It, uh, it got a little tense.”

“Who won?”

“Oh, they’re still at it.”

Connie listened for a moment and realized she could hear them outside the house.

“I will never yield!” Jaser shouted.

“Let me tell you something right now …” Mary shouted back.

Connie sighed.

* * *

The image dissolved into static.


	4. What if the new Spirit Morph book had been better?

[bearflame](http://bearflame.tumblr.com/) asked [here](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/post/165475841063/what-if-the-new-spirit-morph-book-had-been-better):

> What if the new Spirit Morph book had been better?

* * *

The T.A.C.O’s screen shimmered and showed …

A very familiar scene of Connie clutching an hourglass, in front of two dopplegangers, one with a toned body, the other looking beaten-up…

* * *

“Oh, I know!” Tonnie said. “Hey Connie, what’d you think of The Cursed Scion?”

“Yeah!” Sconnie said, nodding. “The ultimate Connie test!”

“Oh um …” Connie chuckled. “Well, I thought it was great.”

“Likewise,” Sconnie said.

Both of them turned towards Tonnie.

Tonnie surprisingly nodded in agreement.

“No, it was really good,” Tonnie said. “You know, the way Lisa and the Cursed Scion managed to step back from the precipice of mutual annihilation, as well as the reveal that the Cursed Scion was really future-Lisa caught in a time loop. It …” Tonnie paused. “Huh. It makes me think …”

Connie fidgeted with the hourglass in her hand.

“Yeah … this is pretty much the definition of fighting with yourself,” Connie said.

They all stared for a moment.

“You guys wanna just … talk for a bit?” Connie suggested. “Get this sorted out?”

Tonnie and Sconnie glanced at each other suspiciously for a moment. Ultimately all three Connies sat down.

* * *

“Connie,” Peridot said as she entered the chamber followed by Jasper. “Did you find anything–”

Connie looked towards Jasper and Peridot, who had stopped in their tracks at the shock of seeing three mostly-identical looking Connies sitting in a circle.

“Oh um …” Connie held up the hourglass. “Yeah, I found it. But um … you guys think you can give us a few more minutes? We’re kinda working some stuff out here.” Connie turned back to Sconnie. “Now, Sconnie–”

“I want to again point out at no point did I agree to that name.”

“Fair enough. Other Connie, your time-turner armistice is, I think, a good idea. Everyone agree?”

The other two nodded.

“You also brought up a very good point about consent and how that relates to mind alteration powers.”

“Yeah,” Sconnie said, nodding towards Tonnie. “Basically all the stuff with her Steven is kinda–”

“It is–” Tonnie stammered, cheeks flushing with anger. “Okay, it is not as bad as you’re making it out to be. He asked me to make those changes to his personality.”

“Really?” Sconnie said.

“Well just– okay well, basically he did, so–”

“And you don’t see how that might make your relationship with him a little creepy?” Connie said carefully.

“Hey just–” Tonnie blinked. “Look, it’s kinda complicated.”

“Is it?” Sconnie said.

Tonnie glared.

“Okay, miss. Since we’re bringing up Star Trek ethical dilemmas, let’s talk about the horrifying implications of eliminating an entire timeline you don’t agree with.”

“Hey um …” Sconnie shrunk her head. “That’s a bit of an oversimplification.”

Connie sighed and turned back towards Peridot and Jasper.

“Yeah, this might take a while …” Connie said.

* * *

The image faded into static. Everyone stared at the screen.

“What was that about a ‘relationship?’” Steven mumbled.

Connie pretended she didn’t hear that. Instead she turned to Peridot.

“That stuff about ‘mind alteration powers?’ Is that something mom could do?” Connie asked.

Peridot shook her head.

“Not to my knowledge,” she said.

“No,” Jasper pipped up suddenly. “I would know if she did.”

“Oh,” Connie said. “That’s just really weird if that one Connie had that power and, you know, mom never–”

Lapis cleared her throat.

“H-hey, you know, alternate universes are super weird, who knows what goes on there, HEY, what are we waiting around for?! Let’s ask another question!” Lapis brightened into a grin that seemed entirely too cheerful.

Connie regarded her suspiciously.

“Al… right…” she said.


	5. What if Citrine somehow was still around (while Connie is alive)?

[Deep_yet_Shallow](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Deep_yet_Shallow/pseuds/Deep_yet_Shallow) asked on AO3 ([Tumblr post here](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/post/165621944963/this-what-if-machine-prompt-was-asked-on-ao3-by)):

> what if citrine somehow was still around(while Connie is alive)

* * *

“Nanraaga saappidunkal!” cried Connie and Doug as they ‘clinked’ their plastic cups of juice. A moment later, father and daughter dipping their bread in steaming bowls of saaru and chatting idly.

There was a chime, a flash of light, and then the Crystal Gems appeared on the warp pad.

“-then Peri was all, 'eat lightning, you mega-clod!’ and zapped it while my saltwater arm was squeezing it,” said Lapis in excited tones.

“It merely made tactical sense,” humblebragged Peridot. She was wearing a novelty Funland headband that had two little green aliens mounted atop on tiny springs; both were bobbing in agreement with her statement. They matched the alien-pattern boardshorts she was wearing over her gravity connectors. “Though, Jasper, please accept my apologies once more. I hadn’t realized you were grappling it at the time.”

Jasper stepped off the warp pad, faint trails of steam curling up out of her frizzed out mane of white hair. “’s okay,” she said simply.

There was a sound of sneakers hitting hardwood floor and then Connie rounded the kitchen running full tilt, arms outstretched. “Mooommmy!”

Citrine passed the bubble gem to Jasper then knelt down on the warp pad to receive her daughter’s hug. The girl was swallowed up in her large yellow arms, the tiny human appearing toy-like in contrast with the Quartz general.

“How are you, my dear?” she asked in a sonorous voice.

Peridot rolled her eyes, earning a playful swat from Lapis.

“I’m feeling a little better. Daddy just made me saaru, oh, and yesterday daddy and I went to see Doctor K in Crossroads and-”

“Isn’t she the one who won’t give you a sucker during visits?” interrupted Lapis, crouching to the girl’s level.

Connie nodded. “Yeah. She says they’re full of high-fructose corn syrup. But she had to step out at one point and-”

With wide grins, Connie and Lapis recited in unison, “If nobody’s watching it, then it’s yours!”

This time both Jasper and Peridot shared a look, then rolled their eyes.

"How many’d you snag?” asked the Blue gem.

“Seven!”

Lapis ruffled Connie’s hair before standing back up. “Attagirl.”

Doug was leaning on the kitchen’s edge watching the scene and trying to catch Citrine’s eye. He and Jasper exchanged respectful nods.

Noticing his look, Citrine stood and said, “Connie, why don’t you go play with Lapis and Peridot for a moment. Mommy and daddy need to talk.”

Lapis stage whispered, “That means they want to smooch.”

“Gross!” shrieked the girl in disgust.

“Wait, isn’t she colonized by opportunistic organisms?” exclaimed a recoiling Peridot, the sudden motion setting her alien deely boppers bobbing anew. “Vile! Connie, no touching my stuff!”

“P-pod, Johnny can’t roll ten feet without leaking something or catching fire. I doubt the kiddo is gonna-” and the last of Lapis’ response was swallowed up as the three vanished through the temple door.

Citrine looked to Jasper. “We’ll debrief after.”

Jasper gave a crisp nod and strode through the temple door and into the burning room, the bubble floating over one palm.

Citrine walked over and took Doug’s hands in her own. Her eyes were worried. “How’s our Connie?”

“You mean, besides becoming a petty thief?” drawled Doug.

Citrine tsked and gave her Doug a hard stare. “You know what I mean, mister.”

“She’s fine,” he said and giving Citrine’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “It’s just another bug, though I shudder to think what it’d be like if she were in school. She’ll be on antibiotics for the rest of the week.”

Citrine sighed. “I remember when 'a bug’ could mean the end for a human or even whole villages of them. Besides, she just so… fragile.”

“We all are, but we humans make it through the day all the same,” said Doug a little cavalier. His expression sobering somewhat, he added, “She missed you, though. We both did. Five days is a long mission.”

“It couldn’t be helped, I’m afraid. This one was… difficult to corner.”

For the first time since laying eyes on Citrine, Doug frowned. “She idolizes you. All of you. Have you considered training her? There’s only so much I can impart. Or at least taking her to one of the safer ruins that Lapis keeps telling her about?”

Hands that could crush timber held Doug’s gently. “When she’s old enough she’ll have the freedom to choose, just like you do, just like everyone has. But… it’s better for now if we protect her. She doesn’t know what’s best. She’s too precious.”

Doug searched his love’s face, seeing the same mix of worry and wonder he always saw when Citrine was thinking of her daughter. “Alright,” he said eventually. “But you’re on story detail until further notice. If I have to read another young adult adventure novel today then I’m going to go on a heroes journey of my own and burn down the Spirit Morph Saga’s publishing house.”

Citrine laughed. It was, in Doug’s opinion, the perfect laugh.

“I love you,” he said.

There was a flicker, the hands dropping through his grip, and then the smile of radiant contentment. “I know.”

* * *

Everyone was silent upon staring at the screen.

Jasper’s eyes lingered after the image faded to static. To Connie she almost looked … vulnerable.

Peridot’s eyes were glued on the floor. Lapis scratched the back of her neck. After a moment she gave an uncomfortable smile.

“So uh … yeah, on a lighter note, I guess Doctor K just gets screwed over in that timeline, huh Connie?” she said, nudging Connie.

“Huh?” Connie looked toward Lapis. She hadn’t realized it until that moment but … hearing her mother’s voice for the first time, imagining a world where she had actually seen her, been held by her …

It made it easier than Connie realized for her to space out.

“Oh um,” Connie said finally. “Yeah. Heh. F-funny.”

There was a pause before Peridot said, “P-perhaps we should do another query now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lapis' advice for Connie (“If nobody’s watching it, then it’s yours!”) is a reference to [The Quest for the Specially Marked Box](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/26942838), an omake written by [Cyberwraith9](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyberwraith9/pseuds/Cyberwraith9).


	6. What if Peridot never found out about Camp Pining Hearts and latched onto some other weird pop culture side road?

[DimMemories](http://archiveofourown.org/users/DimMemories/pseuds/DimMemories) asked on AO3 ([Tumblr post here](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/post/166021237813/this-what-if-machine-prompt-was-asked-by)):

> What if Peridot never found out about Camp Pining Hearts and latched onto some other weird pop culture side road?

* * *

Peridot put down her piece of chalk, completing the complex equation on the chalkboard.

“And that’s why, scientifically speaking, Final Fantasy IX was the best Final Fantasy. Now, for today’s lecture, we will go over the plot of Final Fantasy XIII, again, and discuss all of the horrible mistakes made therein,” Peridot said.

“Um … can we go back to learning math, ma’am?” Connie asked.

“No.” Peridot turned back to the board. “Now then, what are the wrong ways to handle exposition in storytelling? Well, in the FF XIII subseries of games …”

From somewhere upstairs, Lapis shouted, “SPIRITS WITHIN WAS THE BEST FINAL FANTASY!” Connie could almost hear the grin in her voice.

Peridot flinched before yelling back _“WE AGREED NEVER TO MENTION THAT MOVIE AGAIN!”_

Connie groaned.

* * *

The image dissolved into static. Steven shrunk his head into his shoulders.

 _“I_ liked _XIII …”_ he mumbled.


	7. What if Lapis was two feet tall?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BR42 here. Corey and I interpreted Lapis' height a little loosely in this answer for the sake of being extra silly. Just blame it on the What-If machine wandering slightly from dimension to dimension between scenes.

[Hyuuint](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyuuint/pseuds/Hyuuint) asked on AO3 ([Tumblr post here](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/post/166042756078/this-what-if-prompt-was-asked-by-hyuuint-on)):

> What if Lapis was two feet tall?

* * *

Everyone stared at Connie in disbelief, except for Steven whose eyes went huge.

Connie’s cheeks flushed.

“I dunno!” Connie said. “I figured at least that question couldn’t show anything scarring.”

Lapis sighed. “Fine, but I want a front row seat for this.”

She closed her eyes and there was a brief flash of light. She shrunk down to a size almost resembling a fairy or sprite from a fantasy story. Lapis formed tiny water wings and fluttered onto Connie’s shoulder.

Steven put his hands over his mouth.

“So cute,” he mumbled.

“YEAH, TINY LAPIS!” Lapis said, sticking her hands up in the air.

As she said that, the T.A.C.O lit up …

* * *

There was an image of a Gem battlefield, giant axes and splintered swords strewn across the ground. The grass is wet. The sound of loud waves can be heard crashing nearby.

A yellow Quartz soldier followed by several Rubies are seen fleeing, chased by a wall of water. One of the Rubies tripped on a rock, only to be engulfed by the wave.

A tiny blue Gem is seen floating overhead, laughing.

“I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GODDESS OF WAR!” she yelled triumphantly.

* * *

There was static before a different image was shown.

A Gem Connie had never seen before was on screen. She was green, almost watermelon colored, with a matching Gem on her nose just like Jasper. Long white hair flowed from her head. All four of her eyes were gleaming as she gave a horrible smile.

She also only about as tall as Doug, a little shy of six foot.

An unusually large Ruby with multiple Gems (one on her eyeball, one on her arm) pointed and laughed at the watermelon Gem.

“Is that it?!” she said. “Where’s the rest of you?!”

Two of the eyes on the watermelon Gem twitched. Without another word, she raised her fist in the air.

A geyser of water seemed to erupt from nowhere, vaguely in the shape of a fist, smashing into the Ruby and sending her through the air, out of sight.

* * *

There was static before showing a cavern somewhere filled with lava all around. A muscular grey Gem with rainbow dreadlocks was holding a massive hammer, even larger than the one Lapis had in their real dimension.

“Okay, Raindrop, I’ll ask you one more time,” the big Gem said. “Are you sure you don’t want me to make this a little smaller?”

Tiny Lapis fluttered into view. Steam was wafting off her wings from the heat, but she seemed undeterred.

“Nonsense!” Lapis said, laying her hands on the hammer. “I have this under contro-”

The big Gem released her grip on the hammer. It and Lapis both fell with a dull thud to the ground.

“… ow,” Lapis said as she picked herself up.

The big Gem gave a weak smile. “Yeah, so that was gravity. It’s a thing this planet has. You might have heard of it.”

“Ha-freaking-ha.” Lapis rolled her eyes. She kicked the hammer. “Well, that sucks.”

“Look, I know it’s my thing, but you don’t really need a weapon to be deadly,” the big Gem chuckled. “You do a pretty good job destroying stuff without it.”

Lapis folded her arms, her eyes downcast.

“Some would say too good,” Lapis mumbled.

The big Gem’s smile faded.

“I… I didn’t mean it like …” She trailed off before rubbing her chin. “Hmm …” The big Gem picked up the hammer and examined it. “Maybe if I hollowed out the head of the hammer and filled it with water, you could use your powers to control it and deal with the weight that way.”

Lapis looked up, eyes gleaming.

“Really?!”

“I think that could work, yeah.”

Lapis squeed.

“Aww, you’re the best, Bismuth!” Lapis shouted. Lapis flew up to Bismuth’s cheek and squeezed it. “Tiny hugs!”

“I like tiny hugs,” the Gem called Bismuth said.

* * *

After a brief visual distortion, the image turned to show, surprisingly, Peridot laying on the Temple floor. Her diamond-shaped hair was frizzy. Her hands were clasped in front of the yellow diamond insignia on her outfit.

Lapis stood in front of her, looking up at a bewildered Citrine and Jasper.

“She followed me home! Can I keep her?” Lapis asked.

* * *

Connie walked over to a closed Big Donut box on the table. She looked around to make sure no one could see her before opening the box.

Inside was a tiny Lapis, covered in crumbs with a bulging stomach.

Connie sighed.

* * *

There was a bright light as the 4’5” Hiddenite diffused. Peridot and Lapis fell to the ground as fireworks shot over Steven’s backyard.

Lapis picked herself up, her eyes filled with shame.

“Oh no, I–I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’M SO SORRY!” Lapis formed her wings to fly away.

“Oh no you don’t!” Connie said as she pulled out a butterfly net. She swung it, catching Lapis out of the air.

 _“NO FAIR USING THE NET!”_ Lapis shouted.

Nearby, they heard Steven say, “Hang on, let me get a pickle jar.”

* * *

After the static broke, a different tiny Gem, one that looked like a cross between a five year old and a fairy, was pointing a wand at Lapis. Lapis was brandishing her hammer.

“Sorry, shortstop,” Lapis said. “But this planet ain’t big enough for the two of us.”

The fairy Gem groaned.

“You’re not going to make my assignment easy, are you?” she said in what sounded exactly like a British accent.

“THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!” Lapis said, charging forward with her hammer.

* * *

The T.A.C.O finally went dark.

Lapis crossed her legs, still in her shrunken form. She was now gently resting in Steven’s curly hair. Steven acted like a puppy was gently resting on his head, unable to stop smiling.

“Wow, that was a long one.” She looked to Peridot. “Speaking of which, what determines the length of these?”

“Well,” Peridot said, closing her eyes. “The energy required to open the frequency to each particular multiverse determines the length of time, though other factors such as the specificity of the question and any cosmic interference can fluctuate–”

“Random, okay, got it.”

Peridot narrowed her eyes.

Connie blinked, taking in everything she had just seen.

“I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!” Connie exclaimed.

“Oh,” Peridot said shaking her head. “Of course. Regarding what?”

“Who was the big grey Gem?” Connie asked.

Jasper spoke up, a small smile creeping on her face.

“Bismuth. An old friend,” she said. Her smile fell. “She was … lost during the war.”

“Oh …” Connie’s eyes were downcast. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Lapis said, somewhat more solemn than usual. “It was a long time ago.”

“Okay, what about that other Gem? The blue one that looked like a fairy?” Connie asked.

Peridot piped up cheerfully.

“That was clearly an Aquamarine,” Peridot said. “One of the higher caste of Gems. They’re only sent on the most high-profile of tasks. Essentially they’re the Right Hand of Blue Diamond herself.”

Jasper scowled. “ _One_ of the right hands.”

Peridot cleared her throat, her smile faltering. “Um. Yes. Among other … _individuals_.”

Connie raised an eyebrow. “Why was she shown though? We’ve never seen one here.”

Lapis shrugged. “Beats me.”

Peridot rubbed her chin. “Some of these universe are so different from our own, any number of events that haven’t happened here could have happened. I wouldn’t be too concerned about that.”

“I see…” Connie said. “One more question. What was that one Gem near the start? You know, the one that looked watermelon colored and–”

Lapis’s head snapped toward Connie, eyes wide.

“NO ONE!” she shouted.

Peridot grimaced, her face turning a paler shade of green. Jasper, oddly enough, seemed to be having a hard time making eye contact with Connie.

“W-well, as I stated,” Peridot said shakily, “this universe seems QUITE different from our own. I–It’s not worth any further speculation.”

“Yes,” Jasper said quietly.

Connie knew they were lying, but seeing the look on everyone’s face made her feel like she shouldn’t press any further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lapis' "I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GODDESS OF WAR!" cry is a reference to an [Order of the Stick](http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0439.html) comic featuring a different pint-sized protagonist who compensates for their height by way of massive overkill.


	8. What if Steven was half gem too?

[Kaoupa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaoupa/pseuds/Kaoupa) asked on AO3 ([Tumblr post here](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/post/166534968363/this-what-if-prompt-question-was-asked-by-kaoupa)):

> What if Steven was half gem too?

* * *

The Beach House stirred with the sound of a Cookie Cat alarm clock going off.

Steven sprung out of bed to greet the day. The boy's eyes were bright and his nose was brighter as the morning light reflected off the orange gemstone set there.

"Come on, Connie! Let's go on morning patrol and say hi to everyone we meet!"

From the top bunk came the sound every night owl makes when accosted by a morning person: a groan followed by pleading. "Steven," mumbled Connie, "It's barely light out and we patrolled yesterday. Three times. Can't it wait until after breakfast?"

Steven considered this, idly tugging on his long white hair.

The sounds of sleep resumed from the top bunk.

"Oh!" exclaimed the boy, bringing his fist down into his open palm. "We'll grab breakfast while we patrol by stopping at the Big Donut first. Then we can say hi to Sadie and Lars too!"

This was met with a grunt of defeat, followed by the sound of a blanket being begrudgingly pulled aside.

* * *

The pair finally made it past the last robonoid-guarded checkpoint and jogged into town.

Steven was wearing his usual: khaki shorts, steel toe boots, an unbuttoned orange shirt over a black Mr. Universe tee, and an ear-to-ear smile. He'd bound ahead, sucking in great lungfuls of the sea air, and then jog in place to wait on his bunkmate to catch up.

Connie was in her coral sneakers, teal shorts, and a breezy yellow shirt. She lacked Steven's seemingly limitless energy but she was soon swept up in his enthusiasm. That didn't make keeping up with him any easier, though.

"I picked the first stop on our patrol. Why don't you pick the second?" said Steven as he jogged backwards, his white mane sweeping around him in the breeze.

Connie thought for a moment. "How about we head north up Thayer street, that way we can say hi to my dad before he leaves for work and then drop some donuts off with your dad at the car wash?"

"Sounds good, captain. To donuts and then the dads!" answered Steven with a laugh and a quick salute. Swiveling back around, the boy leaped and sprinted ahead, shouting his favorite cereal slogan, "Follow my nose!"

Puffing, Connie pumped her legs trying to keep him from disappearing completely round the bend.

* * *

"-the dragon tried to swallow Jeff's character. Fortunately I was able to use my devoted defender ability to swap places with him and then I headbutted the jaws open and escaped!" said the excited boy as the pair jogged within sight of the temple.

"Wow. Sounds like I missed an intense _Lutes and Loot_ session. Sitting around in Peridot's workshop so I can power the machines is dull, even when Lapis comes by to watch movies with me," complained the girl.

"Well, maybe Peedee and Jeff could come over to our house and we could play there! With you!"

The two slowed as they approached the first checkpoint. Walls of greenish metal topped with barbed wire encircled the approach to the temple. There were multiple moats. Amphibious robonoids patrolled both wall and water. One emerged, dripping, to confirm Connie and Steven's biometrics before they'd be permitted past.

On the walls, printed in large letters, was, ‘NO MEN ALLOWED!’ There were also pictographs to emphasize the point.

"I don't know," said Connie, turning away from one of the more... emphatic of Lapis' drawings. "Dad tells me that after I was born, Peridot and Lapis got kind of... worried about male visitors."

"I'm sure it'll work out, Captain Connie," answered Steven cheerfully before crouching to allow the bot to perform a retina scan.

 _Here it comes,_ she thought.

"The nose knows," he finished, tapping the side of his gemstone and winking.

* * *

The image dissolved into static.

Steven blinked with a faint flush on his cheeks.

“Wooow,” Steven said. “That one was ... weird.”

He glanced at Jasper, who stared at the screen, eye twitching.

Connie laughed nervously.

“What did you think of it, Jasper?” Connie said.

“I don’t know and I have no opinion,” Jasper said in a tone indicating that was the end of the conversation.

Lapis stared at the screen in disbelief before blurting out, “How did Greg manage to convince Jasper to fu-”

 _“LAPIS!”_ Peridot shouted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wanted to make an omake of an omake, I think this'd be a prime candidate. Both CoreyWW and I found the concept of this What-If answer pretty intriguing.


	9. What if all the Connies from a number of different fanfics got together?

mystarduststories asked ([Tumblr Post Here](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/post/167049703613/its-here-peridots-what-if-machine-collection)):

> What if all the Connies from the stories you recommend [in Episode 10: _The Butterfly Effect_ ] came to this Connie's world (as well as Faded Blue Connie and a Connie I'm creating where Steven's still Rose's son but she's Blue Diamond's)?

**Author's Note:** the total Connies present for this What-If are...  
1) Connie Alpha is from the show itself.  
2) Connie Jade is from [The Stranger In Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9500753/chapters/21496235) by [Cyberwraith9](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyberwraith9/pseuds/Cyberwraith9).  
3) Circlet Connie and her Clonnies are from [The World is Your Oyster, The Universe is Your Namesake](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3808279/chapters/8485900) by [EverythingNarrative](http://archiveofourown.org/users/EverythingNarrative/pseuds/EverythingNarrative).  
4) Connie-riding-Lion is from [The Connie Maheswaran Fan Club (Or: How Connie Became the Most Popular Topic in School After She Pulled a Sword Out of Lion in Front of Literally Everyone)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7746817/chapters/17662573) by [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW).  
5) Stevonnie the permafusion isn’t based on any specific fic but rather a subgenre, though the example that leaps most readily to my mind is [I Know](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7410346/chapters/16831783) by [Swordtheguy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Swordtheguy/pseuds/Swordtheguy)  
6) Citrine Connie from [Connie Swap.](https://archiveofourown.org/series/630527)  
7) 'Name tag' Connie from [Faded Blue](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10742679/chapters/23813493) by [airamcq](http://archiveofourown.org/users/airamcg/pseuds/airamcg), [CompletelyDifferent](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CompletelyDifferent/pseuds/CompletelyDifferent), and [Swordtheguy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Swordtheguy/pseuds/Swordtheguy)  
8) Blue Diamond Connie is from the ask above.

* * *

A bunch of dark-skinned girls (and one tall, long-haired teen) were setting up a semicircle of folding tables. Others were following them to take mismatched chairs out of the adjacent barn and place them at the tables.

There were different outfits worn, a few different hairstyles on display, and several had gemstones visible on them, but otherwise all could be mistaken for identical twins.

That was both true and very, very false.

The preparations completed, the not-twins and the large teen took their seats, or, in one case, settled down on a large, pink lion.

Their small talk was interrupted when a girl with a brilliant blue diamond set in her chest rapped the table's surface with a gavel (just one of the many, random things that had been found in the barn).

"I am calling to session this Connie Convocation," said the blue-gemmed girl. "Connie Jade, please read the minutes from last session."

A Connie with a green gemstone visible at the neckline of her shirt cleared her throat and picked up the papers before her. "The first item was that Tiara Connie and her Connie-clones-"

A Connie, gemless but wearing a gold band around her head, rolled her eyes. A quartet of identical Connies, each with a number written on their forehead, mirrored the action.

The band-wearing Connie interrupted. "One - it's a circlet, and Two - they're called Clonnies."

The Clonnie with the number 'two' on her brow said, "I'm only going to exist for, like, an hour. I don't have time for a reading of the minutes!"

The blue diamond Connie rapped her gavel on the table, restoring silence, then gestured to the green-stoned Connie.

"As Jade and I were saying, Circlet Connie called for a Connie sparring session. A vote was called, passing twenty-five to six. Jade and I then called a vote that... _Clonnies_ not be permitted to vote. It failed, seven to twenty-four. Connie Alpha," and she motioned deferentially to the gemless Connie from Dimension #1, "used her executive privilege to give Circlet Connie an _'are you serious'_ look. The vote was called again and passed unanimously. Stevonnie then proposed we start the Connie sparring immediately. Stevonnie seconded the motion, then summoned their shield and made a floating diving tackle of Connie-riding-Lion. The minutes after that are fairly... incomplete."

The large teen and the Connie sitting atop the lion high fived.

A Connie with a nametag that read, _'Hi, I'm Faded Blue Connie,'_ raised her hand, then spoke when she was given the nod by the blue diamond Connie. "I'd like to raise the subject of bringing our respective Stevens with us as well."

Stevonnie cleared their throat.

"Oh, right. S-sorry," stammered the Connie with a name tag. "But I know my Steven really wants to come."

This elicited several nods around the table.

The blue diamond Connie looked in 'Faded Blue' Connie's direction and made a sour face. "True, though I find the prospect of there being two Blue Diamonds present... unsettling."

Connie Alpha rubbed her chin in thought. "The healing spit would make repairing everything a lot easier afterwards."

Stevonnie nodded vigorously. "My mouth was so dry after putting all the tables back together after the spar."

A Connie with a yellow shirt on, a yellow gemstone visible at the neckline, was looking distinctly uneasy. She'd been wringing her hands under the table and finally she spoke up. "Just-just so we're clear, these other Stevens? Uh, the ones with the Rose Quartz gemstone? They're not going to go flip out if any of the gems from my dimension drop by, are they? Because, uh, all of the gems, even Peridot, are either angry or afraid of her."

This was met with looks of bewilderment around the semicircle of tables.

Stevonnie leaned back in their seat, arms crossed. "Hey, I'm 25% Rose Quartz and 100% unhappy with that sentiment."

The Connie with the Citrine gemstone swallowed, open and closed her mouth a few times, and then managed to speak again. "Sorry. I, uh, I'm still weirded out by you being a fusion. Like, really weirded out."

Stevonnie looked about to say something when Connie Jade leaned over and whispered in the fusion's ear. The latter furrowed their brows, muttering, "Jasper and Lapis? But what about Garnet?" There were more whispered followed by an exclamation of "Oooh..."

Stevonnie stood up, pushed their chair back, and marched around the table over to the anxious Connie's spot. The Connie with the yellow gemstone looked visibly nervous, then flabbergasted when the tall fusion pulled her into a hug.

The hug went on for a few more seconds before the stunned Connie was released, her hair mussed on one side, and the fusion walked back to their seat.

A moment later the blue diamond Connie tapped her gavel lightly on the table. "We'll, uh, table that discussion for now. Moving on, who's ready to talk about the _Spirit Morph Saga_ sequel novel from Citrine Connie's dimension?"

The Connie wearing a circlet facepalmed while Clonnies #1 and #3 patted her back in sympathy. Connie Alpha pulled the book from her duffel bag with the hesitancy one might give to soiled clothing. The 'Faded Blue' Connie had a queasy expression as she retrieved her own copy.

There was a leonine rumbling sound and the Connie astride the pink lion held up her hand, "Uh, Lion kinda shredded my copy. Then roared it into powder. Then swiped the powder into a portal... I have no idea where that portal went, by the way."

Stevonnie shimmered, their form becoming an indistinct shape of white light with a pink gemstone floating in the middle like a boat on turbulent water. A moment later the fusion stabilized, patting themself all over and taking a deep breath. "I can safely say I have mixed feelings about it."

Heads turned towards Connie Jade.

"Jade read it while I was sleeping. When I woke up, the book had been blown to pieces. Literally. The local weather channel was calling it a freak tornado."

Citrine Connie wiped her brow, tension draining out of her. "That's a huge relief. The last time I met a Connie who liked it, it... didn't end well."

'Faded Blue' Connie quirked her head to the side. "Why, what happened?"

"She crumbled to dust in front of me, crying."

Everyone present stared wide-eyed at the Connie with the yellow gemstone.

There was a noise and then motion as Stevonnie once more got to their feet and marched over to the Connie in yellow. They pulled the girl into another hug. After a few seconds, Connie returned the hug herself.

* * *

The image faded into static.


	10. What if Connie's life was a television show and someone wrote a fanfiction swapping her with Steven and different Crystal Gems?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let this be a lesson that if you ask a meta What-If Question, you get a meta What-If Answer.
> 
> Obviously _Loud and Clear_ has yet to air in the universe this fic takes place in.

[zukoandtheoc](http://archiveofourown.org/users/zukoandtheoc/pseuds/zukoandtheoc) asked on AO3:

> What if Connie's life was a television show and then someone wrote a fanfiction of that show swapping her with Steven and also the Crystal Gems are different?

* * *

Peedee was idly pushing the tetrazzini across his tray, his appetite having resigned itself to subsisting on sides. The youngest Fryman had long come to terms with the fact that most places, his middle school cafeteria included, couldn't make fries worth the name. But this latest culinary train wreck was so bad-

"Ugh! This hiatus is killing me! A new episode of _Connie Maheswaran_ hasn't aired in months."

Peedee looked up from his 'lunch' to see Jeff pointing to his phone like a TV lawyer singling out the accused. The blonde set down his fork, resting one cheek on his palm, and drawled, "What, you don't want to watch another _Swap Titans Go!_ marathon? I hear Animation Station is showing fifty-seven more episodes of that this week."

Jeff's eyebrow twitched and he muttered, "Et tu, Peedee?"

The fry boy gave a little chuckle and raised his hands in a conciliatory gesture. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Anyway, if you aren't willing to wait on content, you could make some. Why don't you write a _Connie Maheswaran_ fanfic? It's better than refreshing your Google Alerts page a hundred times a day."

Jeff looked up from his phone, his expression suddenly guilty. He set down the device and rubbed the back of his neck. "Hehe... That could work but there's a million CM fics out there already. And I don't think the world needs another Connverse sadfic or more Priyasper crackshipping."

"Hmm, Ronaldo won't stop gushing about some crazy _Koala Princess_ story a fan wrote, but it's like, about a sloth instead or something?" Peedee shook his head; Ronaldo's rants all kinda blurred together after a while.

"Don't those eat poop?"

Peedee rolled his eyes. "My point is, you can make it be a CM story but, like, someone else is the Connie."

His pal perked up at that. "Oh! What about Steven?!"

"You are such a Steven fanboy," Peedee teased.

Jeff sat marginally straighter as he mustered his defense of the fictional teen. "Hey! He's a compelling character. And we could still have Connie, but she's the human friend. Priyanka's her mom. And Greg is still Steven's dad but his mom was a Crystal Gem."

Peedee tapped his chin in thought, saying, "I know I suggested this but now I'm imagining Steven with a sword and just not seeing it."

This received a nod. "That's a fair point. He wouldn't really be Steven if he was all fighty." Jeff snapped his fingers and his expression lit up. "New main character, new mom! He's the son of Rose Quartz and he uses a shield."

"Jasper would have thrown him into the sun the second she saw that gemstone," countered Peedee.

Jeff had too much momentum to stop. "Right, and that's okay because... Jasper's not there? Oh, she's a bad guy! No, Steven is being raised by different gems too."

"What other gems? Unless you mean, like, the worm monster."

Jeff gesticulated wildly, "No, there's the Pearlbook gemstone, who is clearly not corrupted. And there's the apostate."

Peedee gave his friend a skeptical look. "Raised by a fusion? Wouldn't they be an emotional wreck all the time? Because every time fusion comes up, everything goes to pieces."

His friend's posture became defiant. "Tiger's Eye worked out! And... the apostate can be, like, a good fusion."

"Okay. But who's number three? And don't say-"

Before Peedee could stop him, Jeff announced, "Purple Tourmaline! The gem living in the wilds of Manikota!"

The blonde boy allowed the silence to stretch out just long enough to grow awkward before saying, "That's clearly an amethyst."

"Hey, it's all fan speculation at this point," Jeff replied, his posture defensive.

Peedee sighed, then pushed his tray covered with what could charitably be called pasta aside, reaching across the table to pat his friend's hand. "Tell you what, I'll help you write it iiif you let me save you from having a character called 'Purple Tourmaline.'"

Jeff's eyes wandered off, staring into the middle distance. "Ooh, I can do some art for it too."

The fry boy nodded, allowing himself to be buoyed up from his jaded norm by his friend's mood. "Yeah, okay. This could be kinda fun. It'd give me something to think about besides arson when I’m stuck in that awful Frybo costume."

Jeff thrust his arms overhead in triumph. "Woo!" he cheered, completely ignoring the turned heads and stares this brought from others in the cafeteria.

Having saved his friend from hiatus-induced cabin fever, Peedee slid his tray back in front of him and resumed poking and prodding the contents. It may be a failure of a meal, but as an art medium it wasn't half bad.

From across the table he heard, “Hey… I just realized, that’s a lot like the Peedee character in the Connie Maheswaran cartoon. Do you think that’s weird?"

Peedee stabbed his tetrazzini Frybo through the face with a fork, then shrugged as he reached for his drink. "Meh. Art imitates life."

**\--- Seven Months Later ---**

Peedee sat on his bed, hunched over a laptop and typing. "That's episode fifteen just about finished," he said, wiping his brow and looking around his room for the first time in an hour. "I'm glad people like it but, man, when does it end?"

Jeff was sitting on a swivel chair, one foot propelling the seat into a slow circle while he drew on his tablet. Looking up from the device he said, "End? But we've got plans for, like, three more seasons! Jasper and Peridot's arrival on Earth! Lapis and her betrayal-fusion, Fluorite-"

Peedee's interruption was deadpan and bone-dry. "Malachite. Fluorite sounds like something you put on your teeth."

The artist waved him off as he continued his spiel. "Peridot's redemption arc! That's going to blow people's minds if we can do it right. And then there's the whole human zoo and trial on Homeworld! Stop?! We're just getting started! Besides, _Connie Maheswaran_ is back on hiatus again."

There was an expansive sigh from the bed. "Fiiine, but we're doing that crossover episode I was talking about."

"That's fair. Who do you want to crossover with? _Gravity Falls? Rick and Morty?"_ asked Jeff.

" _Uncle Grandpa._ "

Jeff recoiled hard enough it set the swivel chair rotating in the opposite direction. " _Uncle Grandpa?!_ That sounds terrible!"

From down the hallway, an adult's voice rang out. "Peeeedeeee, it's Frybo time. Let's go sell some fries, kiddo!"

Peedee resumed typing, a scowl on his face. "And then the audience will know a fraction of my pain."


	11. What if, when Connie was younger, Peridot had let her get a puppy?

[moonlit_wings](http://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlit_wings/pseuds/moonlit_wings) asked on AO3:

> What if, when Connie was younger, Peridot had let her get a puppy?

* * *

Peridot stood, her limb enhancers crossed, as tiny, seven-year-old Connie looked up at her. The girl was trying hard to assume the pose Lapis had taught her: arms behind her back, eyes open wide and imploring, lip quivering but only a little ( _"Too much and Peri's liable to think you're cold or something"_ ).

"Pwetty pweaaase?" she pleaded.

Peridot rolled her eyes behind her visor. "Connie, that is clearly an affectation meant to sway me emotionally. You haven't had difficulty with the voiced labio-velar approximant and rhotic phonemes for thirty-nine months."

Jasper, who was leaning against the kitchen counter, and Lapis, sitting on a bar stool nearby, shared a puzzled look with one another and Connie.

"What?" asked the trio.

Peridot made a noise of exasperation. "Substituting the 'w' sound for 'r' and 'l'. Did none of you read my report on pediatric linguistics?"

Lapis blew a raspberry on her palm. "Of course we didn't read your boring notes, you dork. But that's not the point. Why won't you let Con-con have a dog-dog?"

"Yeah. I pwomise-" started Connie but she halted when she saw Lapis making a discreet slashing motion at neck height. Starting again she said, "I mean I _promise_ to take care of him. I'll be the best dog owner in the world!"

Peridot was unmoved. "Even setting aside the hyperbolic nature of your claim, my objection is more about what the canine could inflict on Connie. Dogs are the mammal most likely to maim or kill a human! Statistically, they even outrank the hippopotamus."

"Can Connie have a-" started Lapis.

"No!"

"Ah, 'cause that sounds pretty awesome. Oh! Maybe I could ride it. They're even aquatic!" said Lapis with a grin, her eyes staring off into the middle distance.

"But- but lots of people have doggies. If they were really so dangerous then no one would own them," objected little Connie.

"That's far from true, my dear," answered Peridot, her eyes sad. "Why, it wasn't too many years ago I witnessed a toddler scaling a Ferris wheel while the babysitter was distracted. Frankly it's a wonder any of your species make it to maturity."

"Guard dog," said Jasper suddenly.

"Pardon?"

"Lapis and I cornered a Topaz near this human village. It tried to go through a fence, a human screamed, and then a dozen guard dogs were on it, biting and clawing. It was cute, like a bunch of Rubies charging the enemy. Distracted it long enough for me to knock it into the river. Lapis finished it off."

"Oh yeah, we were in Phoenicia, like, twenty-five centuries back. Place started with a 't'..." said Lapis, trailing off. 

"Lapis' digression aside, you're saying a properly-trained dog could act as a deterrent and protector for Connie, enabling her to effect her escape if needed?" said Peridot loquaciously.

"Yes," came Jasper's laconic reply.

"Battle puppy..." whispered Connie with a grin, her eyes staring off into the middle distance.

Peridot scratched her chin with a floating finger. With a nod she said, "Very well. Provided a breed is chosen that is both physically capable of bodily protecting Connie and emotionally predisposed to doing so, I will assent to the addition of a dog."

"Yay!" shouted little Connie, arms thrust overhead. She ran over to Jasper, her tiny hand meeting the Quartz' massive one in a high five.

Peridot smiled at her ward's antics.

"Tyre!" said Lapis excitedly, snapping her fingers. 

Three heads turned in her direction.

Lapis blinked. "The village was Tyre... Sorry, did I miss something?"

* * *

A German shepherd-rottweiler mix puppy ("He's two things together. Like me!") was squirming in little Connie's lap. Connie blew in his face, prompting him to snap at the stream of air. The seven-year-old giggled.

"Yes, if a corrupted gem is using a geyser of wind to threaten Connie, your response should be directed violence," said Peridot behind steepled floating fingers. She turned to Lapis and added, "I like this canine already."

The snapping transformed into a yawn and the puppy turned three times in Connie's lap before flopping down and falling instantly asleep.

"Hmm," said Lapis appraisingly, "I'll have to try that sometime. I'm always on the lookout for ways of spicing up my nap routine. Anyway, Con-con, what do you want to call the little guy?"

"Oh! I made a picture for this," said the girl. Being careful not to disturb the pup snoozing in her lap, she leaned over and grabbed a sheet of paper off the floor, scattering several crayons in the process. She held the sheet up for all to see, showing a doodle of the dog chasing away a multi-limbed monster. In large block letters above the scene was scrawled, 'D O G,' and in smaller letters below was written, 'The best dog in the world.'

There was a beat of silence.

"I like it," said Jasper.

Lapis rolled her eyes. "Of course you would. This coming from the gem who wanted to name Connie 'Girl.'"

"Only if she was a girl," came the gravelly rebuttal.

"While there is a certain charm in naming your beast after its species, he isn't a gem so the naming convention doesn't really apply and could lead to future confusion," cautioned Peridot.

Little Connie furrowed her brows in puzzlement. She turned the paper so that she was looking at the drawing, then she shifted her grip so she was holding it one-handed. Turning back to the gems she used her free hand to point at each of the letters in turn. "No, not 'dog.' His name is 'D O G.'"

Peridot raised an eyebrow behind her visor. "You mean a homophonous pronunciation of the letters?"

Little Connie rolled her eyes. "No, I mean his name is 'D O G.' Diogee." She stared at the others as if they were particularly slow pupils before repeating it twice more. "Diogee. Diogee."

"But that's what I-" stammered Peridot.

Lapis grinned. "Eh, let it go, P-dot."

"I like it," said Jasper.

* * *

Diogee, who at five-years-old handily outmassed his pre-teen owner, muscled the girl aside as a splash of acid landed nearby. He shielded her with his bulk, all the while barking at the massive Centipeetle.

Connie staggered to her feet, bracing against Diogee. "I have a plan. Diogee, fetch!" she said, pointing at a distant broken section of copper pipe, one piece of debris among many from when the Centipeetle Matriarch had smashed through the Beach House walls.

Large paws dug furrows in the sand for traction as the dog sprinted across the battlefield, snatched up the broken length of plumbing, and ran back to his master, panting happily around the object in his mouth.

"Good dog. Now give." He dropped it into Connie's outstretched palm. 

"Jasper! I need you to get me by the place where you broke its carapace before," said Connie hurriedly.

"Fastball special?" asked the gem.

"Fastball special," answered the girl.

Diogee barked his approval.

* * *

It wasn't the sound of Diogee barking or snarling that drew Peridot outside. The animal barked plenty, and both Connie and Jasper enjoyed playing combative games with the canine, such as tug-of-war or what Jasper dubbed 'wrassling.'

No, it was the bark in reply that was loud and deep enough to rattle the windows that caused her alarm. That came from no conventional canidae. Stepping over Wally, the robonoid happily scouring the Beach House for stray dog hairs, Peridot walked onto the porch and saw...

A giant yellow wolf the size of a small car engaging in mock combat with Diogee. Connie and Jasper were standing in the periphery, watching and having a hushed discussion.

"Whaaa..." mumbled the gem as she watched the colossal wolf happily bolt after the smaller animal when Diogee initiated a game of chase.

Peridot landed nearby at the same time Lapis winged over with a bag of local confections. "Whoa," said the Blue gem as she watched the hounds skirmish playfully.

"Connie, what in the lithosphere is that?" asked the technician.

"So, uh, remember that big ice gem we fought up north and how I said I was helped by a big, yellow wolf?" replied the girl.

Peridot could only nod dumbly.

"Well, I think he followed me home." The teen placed her hands behind her back as she looked up at Peridot with wide, imploring eyes, her lower lip trembling slightly. "Can I keep him? Pwetty pweaaase?"

* * *

The T.A.C.O finally went dark.

"D'aww!" squeed Steven for the umpteenth time.

"The reason I didn't have a battle puppy is because Jasper wasn't there to say, 'guard dog' when I asked six years ago?!" said Connie, her voice rising high with a mix of disbelief and outrage.

Peridot made a placating gesture, the sleeves of her lab coat drooping down her limb enhancers in the process. "Now dear, there could be other causes for the inter-dimensional divergence than-"

"Pretty much," said Jasper. The warrior turned and looked at Connie. "So. The yellow wolf is real?"

Connie's righteous indignation fled, the girl seeming to shrink in on herself slightly like a balloon with the air escaping. "Oh, uh, yeah. His name is 'Wolf' and he's been hiding in the woods outside of town for a couple of months now. After the hamster and puppy incidents, I didn't think there was a chance Peridot would let me keep him."

Jasper stared searchingly at Connie, or maybe Connie’s gemstone. Connie was just about to squirm under the sustained scrutiny when the warrior shrugged and leaned against the furniture, her gaze wandering elsewhere.

"You presuppose correctly, dear," said the gem in the lab coat. "It would be grossly irresponsible of me to allow you to adopt such a creature, especially with so much about it unknown other than the fact that it could be _extremely_ dangerous to you if it lashed out."

"How about that hippo then?" asked Lapis in a drawl.

"No!"

"Ah, but I have the best name for it too," wheedled the Blue gem, smiling impishly. "Aech-Eye-Peepee-Oh. Peo for short."

Peridot's face was buried in one of her palm-equivalents. "Lapis..." sighed the gem, pleading even as she knew the request was in vain.

Lapis bounced on her heels. "Yup, good ol' Peo the battle hippo: the scourge of Rehoboth Bay. Why, with my mallet I could even make polo waaay more interesting; hippos trump horses any day.” 

“The _real_ water polo,” cracked Steven with a snicker.

Connie groaned and Lapis high fived him.

"Lapis, hippopotamus-mounted sports will never be a thing," protested Peridot. “The impracticalities are as numerous as they are obvious.”

"Oh really?” replied Lapis, an eyebrow raising in challenge. “Well, I think I just came up with the next question. Hey, machine? What if-"

"Gnyaaah!"


	12. What if Lapis had a hippo?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This What-If answer is a direct continuation of the [previous What-If](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12265302/chapters/29370699), which answered the question, "What if, when Connie was younger, Peridot had let her get a puppy?" I'd recommend you go and read that first to help provide context for this What-If. It's not long.

[Hyuuint](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyuuint/pseuds/Hyuuint) asked on AO3:

> What if Lapis had a hippo?

* * *

"Lapis, hippopotamus-mounted sports will never be a thing," protested Peridot. “The impracticalities are as numerous as they are obvious.”

"Oh really?” replied Lapis, an eyebrow raising in challenge. “Well, I think I just came up with the next question. Hey, machine? What if-"

"Gnyaaah!"

Despite Peridot's attempts to interpose, Lapis shimmied past the Green gem, leaned in close to the T.A.C.O., and asked, "What if I had a pet hippo?"

For the nth time that day Peridot facepalmed into a hand-equivalent, hearing rather than seeing her oracular device humming to life.

* * *

"Hey, if Con-con can live with man's best friend, then I'm gonna get me a gem's best friend," announced Lapis shortly after Diogee, the German shepherd-rottweiler mix puppy, had been welcomed into the home.

"What, a Pearl?" asked Peridot, incredulously.

"A Bismuth-crafted weapon upgrade?" asked Jasper, crouched down by Connie and oblivious to the puppy treating her index finger as an orange chew toy.

"One of those things from that jewelry channel Peridot watches when she thinks no one is home?" asked little Connie before trying and failing to disengage her new animal companion from Jasper's digit.

Peridot flushed and stammered a denial. Jasper raised an eyebrow. Lapis smirked. "Does she now? Well, Peri's wandering eyes aside, I'm talking, of course, about a hippo."

Save for the sound of Diogee pitting puppy teeth against Jasper's nigh-unbreakable hard light form, the room was silent.

Seizing the opportunity, Lapis sprinted for the door, saying, "BackInABitGonnaGetAHippoYouCan'tReallyStopMeAnywayLoveYouGuysBye!" She had her wings out and disappeared from sight almost the instant she cleared the doorframe.

This was followed by more semi-silence.

"Did... did that just happen?" asked Peridot. "She's not serious, right? This is just Lazuli’s penchant for flightiness and attention-seeking behavior coming out in response to Connie's new canine... right?" she asked, almost pleading.

Little Connie enticed Diogee away from her Quartz chew with the promise of belly rubs, shrugging up at the stunned technician before turning her attention to the puppy-shaped pile of bliss lying on its back in front of her.

"What channel is that, anyway?" asked Jasper.

* * *

"I'm cracked. I'm cracked and hallucinating. No, I'm embedded in a particularly warped Agate's interrogation device **AND** cracked **AND** hallucinating," ranted Peridot, floating fingers gripping her lemon-colored hair as she paced.

It was three days after Lapis' sudden departure and there stood the gem herself holding a smallish hippopotamus (weighing a mere 500lbs), the top of the gem's head being scarcely visible behind the animal's bulk. Despite being held from beneath like it was a particlarly portly pallet suspended by a blue forklift, the animal seemed completely at ease.

"Everyone, this boss ‘potamus is Aecheyepeepeeoh, but you can call her Peo. Peo, this is your new family," said Lapis, setting down the ponderous animal and gesturing to the stunned Crystal Gems (and their frantically excited dog). She reached over and scratched the barrel-shaped beast behind its ears, prompting its comparatively stubby tail to wag. "She knows me as Lapis the hippopotamaster; you'll need to use the full title while she gets used to her new home."

Peridot turned and looked at Lapis, disbelief radiating off her every feature. Lapis gave a cheeky grin and winked, casually stroking Peo's thick hide. Peridot threw her limb enhancers in the air and shouted, "Cracked!"

* * *

The Slinker, trapped between the advance of Peridot's diminutive, conduit-crawling drones, gnawed an opening into a nearby length of pipe. Water gushed out of the opening, forcing one of the drones to retreat a few yards back. The Slinker’s body was adept at squeezing through crawl spaces, dry or wet, so it wriggled into the plumbing. It knew the green one had water-capable drones, but this maneuver would give it a solid head start. 

Several hundred yards of submerged crawling later it saw light and shot forward. If it could reach a larger space and find some new length of infrastructure to infest, it could very well shake the green one's mechanized minions entirely. This was an old Slinker, smaller than most but wily.

It emerged into a damp space of ruined gem architecture, aquatic plants, and perpetual waterfalls. The blue one's dwelling. A flash of movement caused the Slinker to whip about. A stubby-limbed organic swam forward, its bulk disturbing the lily pads and lotus blossoms floating on the water’s surface. The Slinker's many tentacles splayed out in a threatening display that should have sent the ridiculously shaped organic fleeing. Instead, it surged forward, its face splitting into an impossibly huge 'yawn' that showed off incisors larger than the Slinker's gemstone.

Too late the Slinker attempted to flee; it was instead grabbed and dragged, thrashing, below the surface. The struggle was brief and before long the water grew as still as the room's impossible waterfalls permitted.

* * *

"-iquid transference system and may have exited here. My amphibious droids will need to conduct a thorough sweep, which will take days given the number of hiding places your chamber contains," groused Peridot as she and Lapis walked through the temple door and into the hydrokinetic's room.

"If you say so, Peri but-" Lapis' sentence ended abruptly as she saw the hippopotamus bobbing in the water nearby. Crouching down she said in a cutesy voice, "Ah, were you waiting for mama? Who's a good little hippo? You are, that's who!"

Peridot rolled her eyes expansively behind her visor. Then, with an impressive display of velar dexterity, the hippo opened its cavernous mouth and spat a bluish gemstone onto the landing she and Lapis were standing on.

Lapis picked up the slimy stone and placed it in Peridot's nerveless floating fingers. "I think you can call off the droid sweep, Dot." Master and pet both radiated immense amounts of smug satisfaction as Peridot silently turned and stalked through the open temple door.

* * *

"And now, I, your good mayor, declare the first annual Beach City polo tournament officially started!" said Dewey from his stage as riders and horses alike surged after the ball. It had taken a lot of finagling, but he'd managed to coax the Delmarva Polo Association to host their tournament in his fair city after Ocean Town's polo field caught fire just days ago.

Up in the bleachers a smattering of his constituents gave a subdued cheer. Dewey's eyes lingered nervously on a concerning trio sitting in the top row: Vidalia's youngest son, the Universe boy, and his magical lady friend (plus dog). The first one was nothing but trouble, and the last two tended to attract more of the same.

Suddenly, a rumbling could be heard over the tumult surrounding the match. Turning, the perennial incumbent saw Lupus surging across the polo field on hippo-back, the stocky beast muscling ponies aside in its headlong charge. The magical lady grabbed what looked like a can of pop clipped to her cut-off shorts and, with a sweeping motion, the whole thing telescoped out into a massive, metal mallet. With an exultant cry, Lupus walloped the ball, sending it rocketing into one of the goals. Unfortunately, the sphere continued right through the net and would have smashed into the bleachers but a magical yellow window appeared, deflecting the shot. This sent it careening up, over, and into the opposing team’s goal instead.

"Woo! Go Lapis and Peo! Double points!" shouted the Universe boy, the girl beside him cheering while her pet barked excitedly. The pale blonde sitting adjacent gave Dewey a wordless thumbs up as the polo matched descended further into chaos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peridot watching the jewelry channel for... personal reasons is a nod to an old and amusing fic I'm fond of: [Home Shopping](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5234339) by [Chellodello](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Chellodello/pseuds/Chellodello).
>
>> _"Coming up next on the Gem Television Shopping Channel is our much anticipated 11.5 mm freshwater pearl and mastercut peridot sterling silver ring, a must have for any lover of either of these priceless gemstones!"_  
>  Or;  
> Peridot gets all hot and bothered watching gem home shopping TV, Pearl wants to do research, and Steven doesn't get why anyone likes watching this boring channel.
> 
> It's a fun little G-rated fic that's only 2.2k words long, so it's easy to fit into your day. Consider giving it a look. 


	13. What if Citrine never existed?

Meowvelous asked on AO3:

> What if Citrine never existed?

* * *

Peridot adjusted her eyewear, lab coat swaying with the motion, and said, "I have a hypothetical I have long pondered which I wish to pose for the T.A.C.O." Connie stepped aside from the device, joining Steven and Lapis along one side while Jasper stood at a parade rest flanking the technician.

"Device, what would present day Earth be like had Homeworld never designed the experimental Citrine line of Quartzes?"

Connie and Jasper's eyes both widened with shock, as if Peridot had asked if up were down and fire was cold. Steven and Lapis, however, leaned forward to get a better look at the screen as the T.A.C.O. lit up.

On the screen Amethyst was wearing a Crystal Gem outfit and sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter, her stubby feet kicking the air. "I... mean, you’re one of us, Steven. We're not the Crystal Gems without you!"

Garnet, stoic behind her visors and wearing a very different outfit, added a nod to Amethyst's statement.

A younger-looking Steven smiled and said, "Yeah, even if I don't have powers, I've still got... Cookie Cat!" The boy was holding a Cookie Cat, the sight of which caused the Connie and Steven watching the T.A.C.O. to lick their lips subconsciously. 

Taking a bite of the novelty ice cream, he closed his eyes in gustatorial bliss and said, "Mmm, so good."

Just then a pink light from the navel of his starred shirt shone. There were gasps heard around the on-screen kitchen as Steven lifted the shirt to reveal a glowing Rose Quartz gemstone. A moment later a shield, pink, with a stylized rose motif decorating it, appeared in the air.

Connie gasped when the T.A.C.O. revealed an unfamiliar white gem with a very familiar white gemstone. "Pearl?" she whispered.

The uncracked Pearl, meanwhile, looked amazed. "Steven, it's a shield!"

"Whoa, what?! I get a shield?! Oooh... yeah!" exclaimed the boy.

The Steven standing beside Connie, starry-eyed, whispered, "So cool."

Just then the boy accidentally launched the shield, which ricocheted around the room before embedding itself in the now-ruined loft television set. Amethyst's laughter was the last thing they heard before the scene faded.

There was a beat of silence...

...and then everyone was speaking at once.

"Steven's a gem?!" // "I'm a gem?!" shouted Connie and Steven, the former adding, "Also, why didn't I summon my sword when I ate that Cookie Cat?!"

Lapis was stammering. "Greg and Rose Quartz?! Man, I- But she's such a- Okay, he's a rockstar but-" She paused, remembering what Greg's wife looked like then added, "Oh, okay. Well, I guess it's not a crime to have a type."

"Fascinating. The Earth appears capable of sustaining organic life still," observed Peridot.

The noise that Connie had mistaken for the T.A.C.O.'s engine resolved itself into a long, low growl from deep in Jasper's throat, her fists clenched and her body language radiating barely restrained violence.

"Uh, ma'am. I think you better ask some follow up questions. Fast," pressed Connie.

Peridot glanced at Jasper, yelped, and then leaned forward, speaking into the machine quickly to say, "Device, what are Connie, Lapis Lazuli, Jasper, and I doing in the previously glimpsed universe?"

The T.A.C.O. began to light up and this time everyone crowded forward.

Doctor Kurunthottical, appearing in front of The Crab Shack's patio, walked over to speak with a much-less-healthy-looking Greg. "Wow. That was a masterful use of the 'because we love you' shutdown. I'm quite partial to the 'It's for your own good' myself."

Doug walked over, addressing Garnet. "That 'one thousand years of no dinner' bit was pretty funny," and he chuckled.

The banter continued and Connie could only squint at the screen. Something didn't make sense.

A Connie, well-dressed but conspicuous for the absence of her gemstone, appeared, asking hesitantly, "So, I can still hang out with Steven?"

"Sure," said a nonchalant Priyanka.

"Alright!" Steven, outfit identical to his previous appearance save for a clip-on bow tie, ran over and hugged Connie.

Doug stared at the embrace, his daughter stammering and blushing, before he shook his head, marched over, and pried the pair apart.

The furrow of Connie's brows deepend. _But if Citrine never existed and Dad is still my dad then..._ The penny dropped and Connie shouted, "Doctor Kurunthottical is my mom?!"

Lapis leaned forward, smirk cocked and loaded. "I think you mean Doctor Maheswaran."

"AAARGH!"

The screen shifted and Steven appeared to be in the burning room with-

"Is that miss Peridot?" asked Steven, gawking at the tiny figure curled up on the lava-lit floor.

"Gah! What happened to alternate-me's limb enhancers?!" // "My limb enhancers! Where are my limb enhancers?!" said the Peridot in the room and on the screen, respectively.

"So cute!" // "Awww, you're like... an angry little slice of pie!" squeed the Stevens over one another.

Peridot made a choking noise, then lunged forward, limb enhancers wide so that her lab coat covered the T.A.C.O. "Look away! This is humiliating! Indecent!"

Behind her they heard the sound of a slap and the young Steven said, "Ow, that hurt!"

"It did?"

"Yeah, a lot." Slap. "Ow!"

"Yes! Feel my unbridled rage!" came the obscured Peridot. Lapis snorted as the unmistakable sound of a slap-fight broke out then faded away. Jasper reached forward and hauled Peridot aside as the scene changed.

Young Steven and a Lapis in a dress were standing on the deck of a boat in choppy water, the sky overcast and threatening rain.

The Lapis standing beside Connie buried her face in her hand. "Ugh. Why other-me are you still wearing that tired old thing? You look like you haven't changed your outfit in five thousand years."

The deck of the ship rocked and Jasper hauled herself aboard, the yellow diamond insignia bright in her different attire.

"Yellow Diamond?" stammered Jasper, the gem's anger momentarily forgotten and replaced with utter confusion instead. "How in the empty sky did _that_ happen?"

The Steven and Lapis on the screen gasped while the Jasper said, "I thought I'd never catch up to you!"

"You've been following us?" asked the Lapis in a dress.

"I've been following you."

Steven summoned his shield and put himself between Jasper and Lapis. "Stay back!"

Jasper laughed. "This dulled-down version of Rose Quartz works for you now? You're pointing that shield the wrong way. She's the one you should be afraid of."

"That's not true."

"You can't lie to me. I've seen what you're capable of. I thought I was a brute, but you... you're a monster."

The room had gone quiet, everyone holding their breath, including the two present who needed to breathe.

The on-screen Jasper knocked Steven aside, clasping hands with Lapis and then dropping to one knee. "Let's be Malachite again."

There was a crash of thunder and Lapis stared at Jasper disbelievingly. "Why... would you want that?"

"I was wrong about fusion. You made me understand! Malachite was bigger and stronger than both of us! We could fly!"

"I was terrible to you. I liked taking everything out on you. I needed to. I-I hated you. It was bad!"

"It'll be better this time. I've changed. You've changed me. I'm the only one who can handle your kind of power." Jasper rose and walked toward the ship's stern. "Together, we'll be unstoppable!"

Lapis seemed to waver for a moment before she glanced at an aghast Steven. "No," Lapis said with finality.

"What?"

"What we had wasn't healthy. I never want to feel like I felt with you. Never again! So just go!"

Jasper grew angry, accusing Steven of meddling and threatening the boy with violence. Before the large warrior could reach the boy, a giant watery fist punched up through the ship, striking Jasper and sending her flying for the distant, watery horizon.

The scene faded.

Jasper and Lapis shared an unreadable look between them, the others unwilling to break the silence before they did. Whatever wordless communication was between them, it ended when Jasper said, "Smash it?"

"Stars, yes! It's like a monkey's paw holding a funhouse mirror. Sorry Dot, but your gizmo's gotta go."

Peridot positioned herself to protect her machine, but hesitantly.

"Who's Malachite?" asked Steven.

"I always knew your limb enhancers weren't, well, you, but I never realized how much smaller you must be without them," mused Connie, the girl fixing her guardian with a searching look.

With a sigh, Peridot stepped aside and motioned for Lapis and Jasper to commence their destruction.

* * *

The T.A.C.O went dark, its metallic casing reflecting the dim lava glows of Peridot's workshop.

"Fascinating," said Peridot, lab coat stirring as she motioned a hologram over. "One more to add to the list," she remarked to the otherwise empty room, the sentence 'What if Citrines never existed?' added to a report entitled, 'T.A.C.O. Taboos'.

With that, the technician adjusted her lab coat in the devices warped reflection, layed a tarp over the object, and wheeled it through the temple door she willed open.

“Excellent tidings, everyone!” Peridot declared, everyone looking up from their braid train.

“What’s that, ma'am?” asked Connie, seated behind Jasper.

“How kind of you to ask, dear. I present to you all,” she paused for dramatic effect, “my greatest invention!”


	14. What if canon!Steven and Connie, and Connie Swap!Steven and Connie met?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to see a long-form version of this answer, consider checking out [Crossing Over](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/28680628) over in the Connie Swap Omake Collection. It's written by the talented TexasAndroid and features some particularly clever and showy interactions between characters, canon!Steven and CS!Connie in particular. It also contains a unique piece of art by MjStudioArts herself.

Leppa asked on AO3:

> What if canon Steven & Connie, and Connie Swap Steven & Connie met?

* * *

Steven scratched the back of his neck as he split his attention between Peridot and her machine. "So there really are, like, a hojillion other dimensions?"

"I'm unsure of your unit of magnitude," questioned the technician, staring quizzically at the boy before straightening up and saying with confidence, "but regardless, yes, as infinite parallel dimensions exist, there are that many and more."

Steven considered this then nodded. "I think I have a question then. Would it be okay if I asked it?" he said, glancing at Connie and Peridot both.

Connie, surprised she was being asked for permission, arched an eyebrow but gave her friend a thumbs up. Peridot smiled and gestured like a carnival barker to her attraction. "Certainly. Indulge your curiosity as that is the precise intent behind the Tachyonic-"

" _The Taco of Erich Zann_ ," quipped Lapis.

Peridot bridled at the interruption. "I believe you are making an oblique reference to a work of Howard Phillips Lovecraft and I'll have you know that I resent the comparison, Laz."

"You gotta admit it fits, though," retorted the blue gem.

"I don't deny the juxtaposition; merely that I resent it," huffed Peridot. Then, turning back to Steven and reacquiring her previous smile, she said, "Regardless, please, make your inquiry."

"~Iä Iä, Cthulhu fhtagn~" Lapis sang under her breath.

Peridot's head snapped around. "That's enough from the azure out of space."

Lapis shot her an appreciative wink which brought a grin to Peridot's face.

Connie, Jasper, and Steven all exchanged confused looks before the latter shrugged, then walked over to the T.A.C.O. and said, "What if me and Connie met another me and Connie?"

Everyone huddled around the device. The T.A.C.O’s screen gave a warm glow as they saw...

* * *

With one force field for the table and a smaller, lower force field for the bench, Connie and Steven were free to begin setting up their game of _Sentinels of the Multiverse_. With reverence, Steven withdrew an expansion Jamie the mailman had delivered to him that morning that he and Connie had been itching to play: _Shattered Timelines_.

Wolf lounged nearby, waiting for the yellow pup and treat-bearer to finish their play ritual so that all three of them could enjoy the food gray-floating-paws had prepared.

Connie, looking up from the box's rulebook, said, "Steven, there's a break between realities and with it, heroes and villains from parallel worlds are encountering one another for the first time. Are you ready to step beyond the world as we know it?"

Steven grinned. "Yes indeedy!"

Just then there was a flash of brilliant light and a circular vortex opened up. A split second later two familiar-looking teens riding a large, pink lion came rocketing out, the latter gouging furrows through the sand as he coasted to a stop.

"Whoa. This expansion is serious," breathed Steven.

A younger looking Steven and a Connie with a huge sword strapped to her back slid off the impossible pink animal. The boy looked up and down the stretch of beach and said, "Liiiooon, you silly fluff ball. This isn't the game store in Crossroads. We're still in Beach City. See, the temple's over there."

The Connie with the sword had frozen in her place, gawking at the multi-limbed structure. "Uh, Steven, I don't think that's _our_ temple."

"Wha?" He looked over then squeaked. "When did they change the temple?!"

Over by the force field table, Connie and Steven shared a look. The former cleared her throat then said, "Um, hello. Just so we're clear, you're not going to fight and dissolve into sand are you?"

The other Connie and Steven jumped and swiveled around to stare at the duo, the Steven saying, "Whoa, that happened to you too?!"

The other Connie gave her friend a questioning look and then faced her doppelgänger. "No. We were supposed to show up at a game store. Why Lion took us to an alternate dimension is, um," she turned to her Steven, "Why did he take us to an alternate dimension?"

Meanwhile the colossal feline yawned and curled up.

That Steven shrugged and then patted the expanse of pink flank. "Don't know, but it sure took it out of the poor guy. I'm sure he'll be able to take us back after a power nap. I just hope we can get to the store before it closes."

"Steven, I think this is bigger than a board game."

Wolf padded over, snuffled other-Connie's hand, sneezed, then walked over and began sniffing the feline all over. He received a tired swat to the snout for his trouble, which didn't discourage him in the slightest.

Other-Steven watched this exchange, then nodded to the other Connie. "You're right." Turning to face the pair by the force fields, he waved his hand excitedly and smiled. "Hello! We come in peace!"

* * *

"Wait, you have gem?! But where's their- Whoa!" said the Stevens in unison after other-Steven lifted his shirt enough to expose his (lack of a) navel and Connie pulled her collar down enough to reveal her gemstone.

"But who's your mom?" asked the other Steven.

"Citrine."

The dimensional duo shared a look of incomprehension between them before the Steven said, "Mine's Rose Quartz."

Steven and Connie went wide-eyed at that, the latter staggering back a step.

"Oh, I guess you've heard of her," said the younger-looking Steven, a little chagrined.

"Mine's Priyanka Maheswaran," said other-Connie.

"WHAT?!" squawked Connie, sitting unceremoniously on the force field bench.

A second later the bench vanished and Connie dropped onto the sand below, too stunned to react.

* * *

"See, Garnet is really quiet and intense and she's this amazing fighter. Pearl trains me and Connie but she also keeps the house clean and she knows a lot about gem history and technology. Oh, and Amethyst is really funny and likes to eat stuff and nap," explained the other Steven, a little breathless by the end.

Connie shared a look with Steven and said, "This is so weird."

* * *

The table having been resummoned, both groups sat down to snack and talk. Steven had gravitated over to other-Steven and somehow other-Connie had gravitated over to Connie. Wolf had gravitated over to the ‘table’ edge and was snapping up anything that was accidentally or 'accidentally' dropped.

"So..." said the humans, "What's it like having a gem?"

* * *

"So..." said the hybrids a little further into the meal, "What's it like having a mom?"

* * *

It wasn’t long before powers had become the subject of conversation. Steven had taken out and was consulting his power diary. Other-Connie had chimed in from time-to-time, but mainly to keep other-Steven from getting too off-topic. Before long it was Connie and other-Steven, sitting across the table from one another, taking turns, counting on their hands as they went.

Steven and other-Connie’s heads turned to and fro like they were watching a particularly pitched tennis match.

“Protective bubble?” asked other-Steven.

“Force fields,” answered Connie.

“Resizeable shield?”

“Electrified sword.”

“Cool!”

“Yeah, but I’ve only managed to summon it the one time.”

“Oh, yeah, it took me a long time between my first shield and the second. Magical pink lion?”

“Magical yellow wolf.”

“Floaty powers?”

“Really?! Man, I’ve wanted floaty powers so many times! I’ve had to save myself from going splat by bouncing off of force fields like a pinball. Anyway, I can build up and shoot electricity at stuff, though it makes my hair frizz out like crazy.”

“Still, that’s pretty neat. I mean, I can never remember to keep my phone charged and-” Other-Connie cleared her throat, prompting other-Steven to say, “Right, sorry. Growing plant people?”

“Wow, no, nothing like that. Or, if so, not yet. Um, I have an aura that can power gem tech. Peridot uses it all the time in her workshop while I do homework.”

“Entering people’s dreams?”

“Um, no. Though in very specific circumstances I’ve transferred bad feelings from other people to myself and I’m kinda-sorta resistant to that sort of thing.”

“Oh, weird.”

“Yeah.”

“Taking over people’s bodies while you sleep?”

“SERIOUSLY?! I mean, that sounds really powerful, but also really…”

“Yeah, it can be kind of creepy, I know. I did apologize really hard to Lars after that one time, though.”

“Well, nothing like that. I mean, there’s these hints about my mom having something big, but no one will tell me for real because I’m supposed to discover my powers rather than try and mimic hers.”

“Huh. For some reason no one ever told me about mom’s powers. I wonder why? Then again, I don’t think I ever asked. Anyway, healing spit?”

“Ew, really? No, but I can transfer injuries to myself.”

“That sounds… uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, it can be. But still… spit?”

* * *

This time Connie and other-Steven were watching back and forth as Steven and other-Connie were comparing notes.

“Met at the Big Donut?”

“Crumbly cliff near the temple. Though we got stuck in a bubble and fought a worm monster afterwards.”

“Neat! We fought one of those too when we first met. Connie distracted it while I shot it with a harpoon gun!”

“Don’t you need a license to use one of those?”

“That’s what I thought! Anyway, big fusion dealie at your house for New Year’s Eve?”

“No, we had dinner at a restaurant and Steven tried to pass off all three gems fused together as his mom.”

“Ha! Did it work?”

“Not even a little. Um, did you have to convince your friend not avoid you in a misguided attempt to keep you safe?”

“Kind of the opposite actually because I thought Connie was going to un-friend me and instead she was making sure I didn’t become her sidekick.”

“Jam buds?”

“Destiny partners.”

“Feelings of inadequacy after a trip to their mother’s secret armory?”

“Oh, no, but Connie did save me, like, four or five times during a picnic.”

“Healed your vision by accident?”

“Oh, actually, she transferred my hearing condition to herself without meaning to. I, uh, used to wear hearing aids but now she does.”

“Whoa. I just pretended to wear glasses for a couple of months. Anyway, trained by an overzealous teacher projecting her own issues onto you?”

“Oh, that happened recently! Wait, why is that a thing?”

“Beats me. Was there a duet?”

“Yeah. It was catchy.”

“Just one of those things, I guess. Have you learned to fight together as a fusion?”

“WE CAN FUSE?!” // “YOU’VE FUSED WITH EACH OTHER?!” shouted Steven and Connie over one another, the latter after a particularly explosive spit take.

“Oh, uh, I guess you haven’t gotten to that yet.”

* * *

With a long, loud yawn, Lion roused himself from his prolonged power nap. Wolf, who had been snoozing nearby, stretched and then wagged his tail while looking at his pink counterpart excitedly.

Lion narrowed his eyes, then padded over and nudged other-Steven with a gentle head bonk.

“Oh, I guess he’s ready to go,” said other-Steven, idly scratching the floofy mount behind the ears. “Well, it’s been really neat meeting, um, us, but we need to get back to our own dimension. I’m not sure if the store is still open, plus Pearl and Connie’s parents are probably wondering where we are by now. Hey Connie, do you think this counts as leaving the tri-state area? Because Pearl asked me not to do that without permission.”

Other-Connie grimaced. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure the only reason mom hasn’t forbidden this is because she never thought of it.” She shuddered and added in a quieter voice, “I’m really not looking forward to getting grounded from whole other dimensions.”

Steven pouted. “Ah man. That’s rough. And you didn’t even get the game you came for.” He paused, then asked, “What was it, by the way?”

Other-Steven perked up. “Oh, _Shattered Timelines_ for _Sentinels of the Multiverse_. It just came out!”

“Whoa, really?!” said Steven for the nth time that day. “Hah, the funny thing is, I got my copy today but I ordered an extra as a gift for Peedee, but he’d Kickstartered it too. Sooo, I mean, I’ve got an extra one if you want it.” To emphasize the point, he withdrew the box and waggled it at the dimensional visitors, the item still shiny in its clear plastic wrapping.

Other-Steven’s eyes went wide and starry. “Wow, you’re a really great guy!”

“And handsome,” Steven added, snickering.

“And witty too,” his doppelgänger continued, mirthful.

The Connies shared a look and rolled their eyes, amused. Then other-Connie said, “Actually, I think if we show up with the actual board game then it won’t be too hard to tell mom and Pearl something that’s true but maybe not going to get us in trouble.”

Connie nodded her head at this sensible bit of subterfuge.

This time it was the the Stevens who shared a look. “So what you’re saying is...” said the younger-looking one.

“...that there’s time for us to get in one four-player game before you go!” finished Steven enthusiastically.

Other-Connie smiled and said, “I suppose, but I call dibs on Omnitron-X.”

“I call Chrono-Ranger!” echoed Connie.

“Ooh, and I’ve always wanted to play the game with both of the Legacies at once,” started one Steven.

“So have I!”

With considerable enthusiasm, the four got situated at the table, the Connies discussing the rules while the Stevens set up the decks.

Wolf, meanwhile, loped over to the thoroughly unattended basket of food and surreptitiously dragged it away from the gathered pups.

Lion sniffed the air then deigned to come over. In his own inscrutable way, Lion conveyed (with smug satisfaction) the eminently reasonable alternative he’d led the cubs to. After all, the silly building _they_ had wanted to visit was entirely lacking in tuna fish sandwiches.

Wolf, in his own subtle fashion, agreed. A moment later he decided he would have to take the pups across at some point as well, if only to make sure Lion’s home wasn’t overburdened by too much pork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Wolf lounged nearby, waiting for the yellow pup and treat-bearer to finish their play ritual so that all three of them could enjoy the food **gray-floating-paws** had prepared._
> 
> In case Wolf's color choice for Peridot seemed odd, that's because dogs are red-green colorblind.


	15. What if all the Connies from a number of different fanfics brought their Stevens?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the sequel to mystarduststories' ask:
>
>> What if all the Connies from the stories you recommend [in Episode 10: _The Butterfly Effect_ ] came to this Connie's world (as well as Faded Blue Connie and a Connie I'm creating where Steven's still Rose's son but she's Blue Diamond's)?
> 
> As such, you should consider [reading that What-If Answer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12265302/chapters/28680336) before you read this one.

Anonymous Person asked on AO3:

> What if the Connies had another meeting in which they all brought their respective Stevens with them?

**Author's Note:** the total Connies present for this What-If are...  
1) Connie Alpha is from the show itself.  
2) Connie Jade is from [The Stranger In Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9500753/chapters/21496235) by [Cyberwraith9](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyberwraith9/pseuds/Cyberwraith9).  
3) Circlet Connie and her Clonnies are from [The World is Your Oyster, The Universe is Your Namesake](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3808279/chapters/8485900) by [EverythingNarrative](http://archiveofourown.org/users/EverythingNarrative/pseuds/EverythingNarrative).  
4) Connie-riding-Lion is from [The Connie Maheswaran Fan Club (Or: How Connie Became the Most Popular Topic in School After She Pulled a Sword Out of Lion in Front of Literally Everyone)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7746817/chapters/17662573) by [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW).  
5) Stevonnie the permafusion isn’t based on any specific fic but rather a subgenre, though the example that leaps most readily to my mind is [I Know](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7410346/chapters/16831783) by [Swordtheguy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Swordtheguy/pseuds/Swordtheguy)  
6) Citrine Connie from [Connie Swap.](https://archiveofourown.org/series/630527)  
7) Connie accompanying the blue-eyed Steven is from [Faded Blue](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10742679/chapters/23813493) by [airamcq](http://archiveofourown.org/users/airamcg/pseuds/airamcg), [CompletelyDifferent](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CompletelyDifferent/pseuds/CompletelyDifferent), and [Swordtheguy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Swordtheguy/pseuds/Swordtheguy)  
8) Blue Diamond Connie is from mystarduststories' ask.

* * *

A bunch of dark-skinned girls (and one tall, long-haired teen) were being helped by a like number of pink-skinned boys. Like a troupe of particularly affable worker ants, the group was hauling out of a nearby barn folding tables and mismatched chairs, erecting a large horseshoe of seating. A dozen chipper conversations were bouncing around, and at least one ukulele was being tuned.

Among the girls, there were different outfits worn, a few different hairstyles on display, and several had gemstones visible on them, but otherwise they could be mistaken for twins.

The boys were more uniform in dress and appearance, each favoring a pink shirt, shorts, and sandals. One boy looked like an older brother, taller, stockier, and with an explosion of brown curls pulled into an unruly ponytail. Another boy favored blue over pink and had startling blue eyes. The standouts aside, if the girls were twins then the boys were twins trying to trick people on which was which.

Seating arranged, everyone took their places, each boy sitting next to one girl, save for the tall, long-haired teen who sat alone together. One pair, though, sat on the back of a large, pink lion in lieu of chairs.

A girl with a brilliant blue diamond set in her chest raised her gavel and was surprised to hear the table being rapped. She stopped and gave the symbol of office a stare that was equal parts mild surprise and annoyance. She then jolted to attention when there was another round of knocking followed by a boy's voice calling for order. Whipping her head around she saw the blue-eyed boy (whose V-neck shirt revealed an identical blue stone) rapping on the table with a coffee mug.

The mug read, 'Hail to the chief.' In Korean.

The girl cleared her throat pointedly. When the boy with the mug looked over, she waggled her gavel at him then arched an eyebrow. 

"Oh, oops," said the boy, a bemused grin spreading across his face. He leaned over and plucked the gavel from the stunned girl's grip --"Thanks!"-- then rapped on the table once more. "Order at the Connie Convocation!"

The Connie sitting next to him, a girl with no gemstone and one finger shorter than it should be, shook her head and shot the Blue Diamond Connie an apologetic look.

Blue Diamond Connie looked about to say something sharp when the Steven sitting next to _her_ placed his hand on her shoulder, his eyes gently pleading. The Connie took a deep breath and then said, "Thank you for, uh, that, Faded Blue Steven. Connies of the convocation, I want you all to say hello to the Stevens of our respective dimensions who have agreed to join us today."

There was a cheery series of waves and calls of 'hi' and 'hello' from Connies and Stevens alike.

The Blue Diamond Connie absently reached for the gavel she no longer had, pulled a face, then gave a look to a Connie with a square green stone visible at her neckline. Each Connie or Steven who was still speaking received their own personal zephyr, as though an oscillating fan had blown briefly in their face. The hubbub died down.

"Thank you Connie Jade. Now, to better get to know our fellows, I invite each Connie and Steven to stand and tell us a little about them." The blue-eyed Steven started to rise when Blue Diamond Connie made a point of saying, "We will, of course, be starting with Connie and Steven Alpha, from Dimension #1."

The blue-eyed Steven sat back down reluctantly.

"Hi everyone," said the Connie who started it all. She looked a little embarrassed to be addressing the group but she carried it well. "I'm pretty sure you all know me and my story. Um, go ahead, Steven." She sat down with a flash of relief on her face. Her new, shorter haircut drew approving glances from the assembled.

"Hello! I'm Steven. So, things have been pretty bananas back home lately." The boy started counting off on his fingers as he spoke. "Escaping Homeworld, Lars becoming a space captain, getting another pet to love, and, well, finding out my mom was really Pink Diamond."

A Connie with a yellow gemstone visible at her neckline, as well as the 'older brother' Steven both exclaimed, "WHAT?!", the girl nearly falling out of her seat in the process.

Across the horseshoe was a Connie wearing a circlet and attended to by a trio of Clonnies, short-lived Connie duplicates with a number scrawled on their forehead or cheek. She turned to her Steven and said, "Wait, that's news? We figured that out in, like, 2015?" The Steven shrugged, then thanked Clonnie #2 for topping off his glass of water.

There was a gale-force wind that shook a nearby tree, leaves being stripped from the branches and launched skyward. After a few seconds the localized hurricane faded and it began to rain leaf-confetti over the area. Connie Jade said, a touch embarrassed, "Jade finds that revelation... deeply upsetting."

Steven Alpha nodded, eyes sympathetic. "Connie, the gems, and me are still trying to get used to it." Then, suddenly chipper once more, the boy said, "On the plus side, I'm in a band with Sadie and the Cool Kids and it's really fun!" The Stevens present were very interested by this new bit of information but a purloined gavel rang out and silenced them. Steven Alpha did a little bow and said, "I think that's it from me. I love you!"

As he sat down there was a chorus of "Love you too!" from the Stevens. A few Connie's started to say it as well but then blushed slightly and went silent.

The blue-eyed Steven started to rise but the Connie beside him put her hand on his arm. He sat back down as the long-haired teen rose to their feet. 

"Hi, I'm Stevonnie. Steven and Connie really liked being me so they decided to stay that way." Turning to Steven Alpha, they said, "So long as you can love yourself, you'll be able to figure out the rest." Advice given, they sat back down, ready to experience what others had to say.

From the back of a large, pink lion, Connie said, "Um, hello. So, Steven and Lion showed up at my school one day, and then a bunch of gem stuff happened, and now everyone thinks I'm some kind of werewolf-fighting superhero. I was made Middle School Prom queen and a mob showed up at the Beach House later." She had a half-frown visible as she spoke.

"Wait, so you're... popular?" asked one of the girls.

The lion-riding Connie nodded glumly.

The six other Connies (and Stevonnie) all shook their head in sympathy.

The Steven also riding Lion tried to stand. He had to put a hand on Connie's head for balance, then he lost his footing and was pinwheeling his arms for balance. A yellow square of force appeared just over his head which he latched onto. "Hehe, thanks," he said to the Connie with the yellow gemstone. Then, lowering himself back down into a seated position, he addressed the group. "Sorry. That seemed like a better idea than it was. I don't think things are too different for me than from the other Stevens, although I got to visit Connie, Jeff, and Peedee at their school a couple of times, I abdicated the prom throne, and some of the gems are going to therapy sessions with Jeff's mom."

The Connie with the circlet cupped her hands to her mouth and called out, "Good idea on the therapy. It's really helped me deal with some things." The Clonnies all nodded in agreement.

The blue-eyed Steven had only just started leaning forward when another Connie spoke. He flopped back in his seat, drumming his fingers on the table impatiently.

"I'm Connie Jade. Jade --who would like me to point out that she is not and has never been a Crystal Gem-- was a corrupted gem who got bonded to me. Actually, it's probably a good idea not to be holding a poofed gemstone when Steven's using his healing powers on you." She gestured at the green stone. "There's the chance of something weird happening."

"Sorry about that," said the Steven beside her.

"Jade says-" Connie Jade blinked. "Really?" The girl's hair rustled from a sudden breeze. She rolled her eyes, then addressed the assembly. "If any of the Pink Diamonds present feel their court is in need of an archivist, Jade is suggesting herself as a candidate." Another breeze. "A candidate with a deep and abiding love for the Earth, assuming you ignore the social and political upheaval from five millennia ago."

Connie Jade sat down and Steven stood. "Jade _is_ really smart and a lot nicer than she likes to admit. As for me, I never went to Homeworld and I'm pretty sure Lars isn't a space captain but I'll be sure to ask him the next time I go to the Big Donut. Mainly I've been hanging out with Connie Jade and Peridot and Lapis and Lion and Pearl and Pumpkin and-"

"Steven!" cried the assembled Connies.

Steven looked bewildered for a moment, then gave an embarrassed grin. "Hehe, oops. It's been pretty normal. Weird normal? Pretty wormal," he concluded. "It's nice meeting everyone."

Blue-eyed Steven was already standing, the boy drawing a breath before speaking. It turned into a huff when a nearby Connie said, "I am Connie, daughter of Blue Diamond." He sat and folded his arms.

"The fight between Homeworld and Rebellion was resolved diplomatically by my mother. By her decree, half the planet was preserved for organic life and the former rebels were allowed to live freely among the organics. In time she decided to have me, half-gem, half-organic, same as Earth. She, uh, got the idea from Steven's mom, though."

The daughter of Blue Diamond sat as the Steven beside her stood. "Hey, yeah, so my mom got caught being a rebel and lived on the human side afterwards. But she and Connie's mom were still close even if Aunt Yellow and White are... less understanding." He was rubbing the back of his head and looking a little chagrined. "Mom had me and Connie's mom had her and we're both trying to figure out how to keep everyone happy on both sides of the split." Perking up he said, "Oh, but some gems are getting into food and there's some really neat restaurants now. Amethyst is, like, a celebrity chef in our dimension."

This caused quite the murmur of conversation from the assembly, Connie Jade calling out, "Jade says ¡Soy Delicioso! would make a good starter for the food-curious."

Steven quirked his head to the side. "Those workout bars that taste like drywall?"

Connie Jade nodded, adding, "They're baby steps. Cookie Cats and cold pizza would be like jumping into the deep end, Jade says."

"Cool. Thanks for the tip!" said Steven while Blue Diamond Connie tilted her head in a regal nod of approval.

The blue-eyed Steven addressed the group. "I too am the child of Blue Diamond and-"

"Amethyst is a really good cook in our world too!" said an excited Steven. The Connie wearing a circlet and all the Clonnie's beside him were nodding in agreement. "We had this big New Year's feast and she made this huge spread with, like, twenty different entrees."

The blue-eyed Steven sat back down, sulk deepening.

The circlet-wearing Connie whispered something into a Clonnie's ear, who then whispered something in the adjacent Steven's ear. "Huh? Oh, sorry. I'm doing this out of order, I just thought the gem food thing was neat."

Several Stevens around the horseshoe nodded in understanding.

"After Connie started training with Pearl, we realized it was really weird how the Crystal Gems kept the world safe but didn't really interact with the people of the world. So we started trying to change that. It's been a little messy, and turning over the healing water to some scientists made Pearl really angry, but I think we're making everything better now for everyone. Everyone everyone: gems and humans. Also, Connie figured out she could use the replicator wand to make Clonnies, which let her do a million things at once and that way she can help the gems and me fight without getting hurt."

"We are smoke and mirrors," the trio of Clonnies said in unison.

"Anyway, Mr. and Dr. Maheswaran have started helping the gems get library cards and bank accounts and stuff and Vidalia is my tutor so I can learn human school things since it turns out I was mainly learning gem school things from Pearl."

The Steven riding lionback said, "Whoa! Neat! I should talk to Onion's mom about that since I got a lot of homeschooling stuff from Connie's school."

Steven sat down. Circlet Connie beside him waved to indicate she had nothing she wanted to add.

"H-Hi. In my world the Crystal Gems are Jasper, Lapis, and Peridot. My mom was-"

Whatever the Connie with the yellow gemstone was going to say was cut off. There was a shout of frustration and a ripple of blue lightning erupting from the blue-eyed Steven. "Aargh! It's my turn! You've been skipping me and skipping me and it's not fair!"

Around the horseshoe everyone was reeling. All of them looked distraught and several were crying, Connies and Stevens both. Lion mewled and Connie Jade was muttering assurances under her breath while the weathervane atop the barn spun madly in an intense wind.

Yellow gemstone glowing, the Connie to speak last recovered almost immediately. The older-looking Steven beside her was sobbing until she gently guided him so that his forehead touched hers. Her stone flared a brilliant yellow and then he looked much better. He passed her a tissue which she used to dab at her own eyes. "I, uh, I can help others if they need it."

The circlet-wearing Connie flipped over the table with the fluid ease of a gymnast and jogged over to the Connie with the yellow gemstone. They touched foreheads and the gemstone flared with light. The Connie with the gemstone sank into her tissue, riding out the wave of sorrow, while the circlet Connie looked much happier. 

Pulling the replicator wand from her pocket, she unmade the three tearful Clonnies and then remade them, all three looking as composed as their creator. One of them picked up a marker from the table and they started numbering themselves. With another motion, she replicated a box of tissues and handed the result to the teary-eyed Connie. She then replicated a dozen more which her Clonnies handed out to anyone who wanted them.

The Connie with a yellow gemstone blew her nose. "Thanks." She sniffed. "Uh, you can go ahead, blue Steven. I could use a minute anyway."

The blue-eyed Steven, meanwhile, had the expression of someone who'd swallowed something unpleasant. "I'm sorry about that, everyone."

There were sniffs and the occasional sob around the horseshoe, but most seemed to accept the apology.

"I'm, uh, I'm the son of Blue Diamond. I was raised at the palanquin by my dad and Pearl. Blue Pearl. In my dimension I'm pretty sure Rose Quartz is the enemy and it's really weird being around so many Stevens with her gemstone."

The Connie with the yellow gemstone blew her nose again and said, "If it helps, it's weirding me out too."

"I'm trying to figure out what really happened on Earth and why gems would do what they did during the Rebellion. Um, I can talk to animals, I can do that sadness lightning, which I'm really sorry about, and I can see what happened in the past when I'm in an area."

Circlet Connie and the Connie with a yellow gemstone both looked wide-eyed. "Really?!" they shouted, the latter adding, "Because I've got, like, a dozen places I'd really, _really_ like to see the history of." The Clonnies, who were doing the rounds with the replicated tissues, all nodded in silent agreement.

"Oh, uh, maybe," hedged the blue-eyed Steven. "Dad and Pearl don't like it when I go too far without them. It took me weeks to get permission to come here, and Pearl almost never tells me no." With a glum expression the boy sat down.

The Connie with the injured finger stood up. "I'm friends with the Crystal Gems, though, and I'm trying to help Steven not repeat Homeworld's mistakes. Also, Amethyst is really cool in my dimension too." She sat down.

"If you don't mind me asking," sniffed Steven Alpha, "how'd your finger get hurt?"

She idly rubbed the digit that was a few phalanges shorter than it should have been. "I was reading by the beach. A part of the temple broke free over my head. It, uh, it really, really hurt."

Several of the Stevens present started to get up, Steven Alpha saying, "I- I mean, we might be able to help you with that. Healing powers and all."

Connie shook her head. "Rose Quartz already tried. She saved my life but her powers couldn't grow the finger back."

Everyone went back to their seats. Everyone looked at the last Connie and Steven left.

The Connie with a yellow gemstone stood up again. Her gemstone had stopped glowing and she looked fully recovered once more. "My mom was Citrine and she's really, really not a Diamond. Peridot used to work for Yellow Diamond, after all. Mom started the rebellion with Rose Quartz but they had a falling out part way through and now I think Rose Quartz works for Homeworld." She shook her head. "It's complicated."

The Steven riding Lion scratched his head. "But if Rose Quartz is on Homeworld, who is Steven's mom?"

The older-looking Steven stood up and flashed everyone a thousand-watt grin, his thick curls straining against the scrunchie containing them. "My mom is Rosemary Universe. She and dad perform together. I'm human, actually. Like, all human, I mean." He lifted his shirt to reveal his belly button. This caused quite a stir among the other non-blue Stevens present.

"I'm Connie's shieldbearer and light side coach and destiny partner and I help her figure out her powers like her force fields and shooting electricity and that forehead thing and-"

"Steven!" cried the assembled Connies.

"Right. Oops. Anyway, it's going to be my birthday soon-"

"Oh, mine too!" // "Hey, me too." // "How old are you going to be?" said a chorus of Stevens all at once.

"-and you're all invited if you want to come," he offered magnanimously, adding, "Oh, I'll be fifteen."

There was a collective spit take from other Connies as they looked between the Stevens, all of whom were his age but appeared no older than twelve.

"Something to look forward to," muttered one Connie under her breath.

The taller Steven rocked on his heels, eyes excited. "Actually, dad said he was going to set up a stage for the party. Maybe we could make an all-Steven band. 'Steven and the Stevens.'" 

This time it was the Stevens who did a collective spit take. "NO!"

* * *

The image faded into static.


	16. What if Garnet got to visit the Beach House sometime?

Anonymous asked:

> What if Garnet got to visit the Beach House sometime?

* * *

Peridot shoved the sleeves of her over-large lab coat back and then wheeled the Tachyonic Atemporal Cross-dimensional Oracle out into the living room, the device hidden under a canvas sheet. She ran a floating finger over the top, scowling at the dust that had accumulated before a throat being cleared snapped her back to focus.

"Ah, right. Behold!" she cried theatrically, whipping the dusty sheet free. The bulky TV-like device wobbled slightly and dust was thick in the air. It had been a while since the family's last T.A.C.O. night.

"Meh, I've beheld better," snarked Lapis.

Bismuth, however, was fascinated. "Would you look at that." The smith made a circle around the device, large fingers poking this and prodding that as she went. "And this can really answer people’s questions?"

Peridot's floating fingers were whirring, blowing the cloud of dust away. Mid-task, Peridot turned to Bismuth and boasted, "The answer to any question. Every question. The marvels of the multiverse laid bare before us."

"I had a hippo!" cheered Lapis.

Steven and Connie, sitting at the coffee table playing a board game, snickered and chuckled, respectively.

Peridot buried her face in her palm-equivalent, narrowly remembering in time to disengage fan-mode first. "Yes, all of the multiverse, including the dumb regions."

"What do you think I should ask it, Jaz?" called Bismuth, bent forward and staring at her reflection in the screen.

Jasper was busy in the kitchen. Looking up from the stove she said, "Ask it what you should ask it."

Peridot finished yanking on the pull cord, causing the machine to chug to life with all the grace of an old lawn mower hauled out from retirement.

Bismuth laughed. "Nice. Still, where's the fun in that? No, I think I've got an idea." She brought the microphone around and asked into it, "What would happen if Garnet visited the Beach House?"

* * *

Dominating the middle of the living room was a card table. A big one. Iconic too, like the gems had borrowed it from those dogs you see playing poker. Steven was flitting back and forth from the kitchen, loading the table with drinks and bowls of popcorn. Wolf was ever ready to snap up any and all kernels that dropped to the floor. Connie was setting the seats in position, making sure she and Steven had two side-by-side. Jasper too, the large Quartz needing two chairs lest she break one.

She'd offered to stand --it wasn't like she would get tired-- but Lapis had insisted they not play 'under an orange eclipse' all evening.

Peridot appeared to be studying a display of probabilities. Perched on her shoulder was Galatea; the ersatz robonoid looked happy just to be included. Finally the temple door opened and Lapis flew out. She was wearing a green visor and she had a bandolier loaded with decks of cards.

"Woo! Time to get this poker night started!" cried the blue gem as she winged over and landed in her seat. She withdrew one of the decks from her outfit and began shuffling the cards in a very showy fashion. "We're gonna play five card draw, five card stud, seven card stud, Pinky's a stud-" She winked at Connie and Steven. "-Texas hold 'em, Aqua Mexican sweat, Jersey turnpike, New England clam chowder, Gin, Rummy, Gin Rummy, Straight Gin, Gay Gin, Kansas Gin, Canasta, Canista, Canoodle, War, Slapjack, and Fifty-two pick up."

"I'm reasonably certain that most of those games aren't games," argued Peridot. "I mean, fifty-two pickup?"

Without looking her way, Lapis squeezed the deck between delicate blue fingers, causing all fifty two playing card to spray into Peridot's face. "You win, Dot! Wanna play again?" she asked, another deck at the ready.

Galatea, hopping about like a robin, was happily sweeping cards off its maker's form when there was the sound of the warp pad. Everyone turned to look.

"Bismuth!" exclaimed Steven while Connie ran over to give her a hug.

The smith stepped off the warp pad and was bowled into by Connie. "Heh, hey Alloy. Meatball. I'm not too late am I?" she asked the table.

Peridot was in the process of fishing a two of spades from behind her glasses but said, "No. You've arrived within the grace period for us to accept additional players. Have a seat. Actually, two, for weight distribution purposes."

Bismuth's wide grin became just a little less confident. "Good to hear, Green. So, uh, guess who else wanted to play?"

With perfect timing came a chime and there stood Garnet. "Hello," she said simply.

"Garnet?!" cried the teens in surprise.

"You invited the perma-fusion?!" squawked Peridot.

Jasper was suddenly standing, fists clenched, two chairs falling back away from the table.

"Whoa, easy Jaz. I told her she could come," said Bismuth, large hands out in a conciliatory gesture. "And there won't be any glue to deal with this time. Right?" she said back at the warp pad.

"Right," answered Garnet. "Thank you for welcoming me into your home. I intend no harm or disrespect."

Jasper glared at Garnet for a beat longer and then, slowly, righted her chairs and sat back down.

Peridot shrugged. "Provided the fusion behaves, I'll raise no objections."

Connie was wide-eyed but Steven had already leapt up to put a new chair to either side of him and his friend. With a 'chunka-chunka' sound, Galatea dispensed two stacks of poker chips which Peridot floated out to their respective spots at the table.

Lapis looked incredulously from person to person. "Really? Really?! Everyone's just cool with this?"

"I fail to see the-" started Peridot but she was interrupted.

"I don't care that tri-clops warped over. Peace and love on the planet Earth or whatever. But this is card night!" She pounded the table with her fist for emphasis, causing the drinks and poker chips to rattle. "Bad enough we've got the tykes who don't know how to play-"

Connie nodded 'yes' and Steven shook his head 'no.' Then they glanced at each other. Connie shook her head 'no' while Steven nodded 'yes.'

"-Bad enough we've got Jasper, who has resting poker face-"

The Quartz met Lapis' accusation with an unflinching stare.

"-But you want to invite a literal seer to the table?!"

"We're just playing for poker chips, Lapis. Not real money," remarked Connie.

"Ugh, fiiine," relented Lapis dramatically. "But don't blame me when you end the night wearing a burlap sack or one of those barrels with suspender straps."

Bismuth sat down between Connie and Jasper. Garnet took a seat between Steven and Peridot, Galatea offering an friendly chirp to the new friends. Lapis pulled another deck from her bandolier and shuffled it loudly.

"Right." Lapis dealt the cards with swift efficiency. "The game's five card draw. Ante's three chips. No wilds, no whining, and no future-vision."

Garnet grinned and winked at Lapis with her third eye.

* * *

"I will wager an additional four tokens," said Peridot, her eyes never leaving her cards. Galatea, meanwhile, was having a grand time waving at Steven, who seemed to enjoy waving back at the robonoid.

"Ooh, Peri's feeling bold. I like that in a gal." Lapis winked and knocked on the table, calling. One wing of water nudged her chips forward.

"Call," said Jasper, sliding some chips toward the pile at the center of the table.

Bismuth stared at her cards. "Sure, call." Her arm became a craps stick and pushed the chips toward the pot.

"Go fish!" exclaimed Steven. Connie, his card-partner this evening, smiled.

At the others' stares, Connie and Steven went into a huddle before Steven emerged again. "Uno!"

There was a resonant thunk as Lapis' forehead met the table.

There was another when Steven and Connie actually won.

* * *

"Bismuth. Bismuth! No, we talked about this!" snapped the blue gem.

Bismuth looked up from the card she was busy perforating, her hand having become an awl for that exact purpose. "Huh? Oh. Oooh, sorry Blue," she said, giving an apologetic smile. "It's just, I've got all these Diamonds and-" Her cards hit the table revealing a (well-ventilated) flush.

"Fold!" said the rest of the table.

* * *

"-they're standing there, four hands on their cheeks, when 'wham!'" Bismuth slammed the table. This only didn't cause a spill because Connie and Steven had surreptitiously lifted their drinks off the table as soon as the gem's story had started. "They fall over like a spire made of talc. What is it with new fusions and forgetting how to walk?" asked Bismuth, shaking her head and chuckling.

The game was momentarily on hold while the other mainstay of poker, gabbing, took center stage.

"It's an overwhelming experience," said Garnet steadily. 

Steven started to nod before Connie elbowed him urgently in the side.

"I fell down a hill the first time I tried to walk," continued Garnet. "When I got up, Citrine's sword was pointed at my face and Rose was staring at me with the most surprised expression."

"That corroborates the tale Citrine conveyed to me about first meeting you," said Peridot.

Bismuth had a distant look on her face, the one she got when she was envisioning some kind of giant building or new weapon. "Can you imagine what those two would have been like fused? I bet they'd have made Malachite look like a Pearl."

Jasper, Lapis, and Garnet seemed less than pleased at Malachite being brought up, though possibly for different reasons.

Garnet was the one to break the silence. "Rose said Citrine was never willing."

"You asked that, did you?" Lapis sounded incredulous for some reason.

"In my way," answered Garnet.

"I inquired with Citrine about that once. Many times, actually, because the hypothetical fusion of two prototype Quartz lines is simply too compelling not to ask. She was ever reluctant to discuss the subject, but one time she told me that she abstained because she was afraid of what it would have done to Rose."

"What does that mean?" asked Connie, the girl _very_ attentive.

Peridot shrugged, which made Galatea have to scramble to stay balanced. "I'm unable to say."

At this point everyone noticed that Jasper looked like she was a half-second away from punching the table in half.

Lapis jumped to the rescue. "Geeze, are we gonna gossip all night or are we gonna play some cards? Momma needs a new pair of shoes."

"You don't wear shoes," said Connie dryly. "In fact, you once threatened a pushy shoe store lady with, and I quote, 'Noah's Ark minus the ark.'"

"I like to nail them to the stairs outside as a warning to the rest of their kind." Lapis looked at Bismuth. "Plus they're fun to throw at people who won't deal the frickin' cards."

"Right, right, keep your facets on." The smith dealt everyone their cards and everyone picked up their hands.

Lapis didn't move a muscle but every drink in the room trembled and the pipes in the walls rattled.

"Fold!" said the rest of the table.

* * *

"Two matching pairs, nines being the higher of the two," stated Peridot, spreading her cards in front of her. Galatea waved its stubby little limbs like it was cheering. Steven was the only one to wave back.

"Oof, the Proleperiat has overthrown my monarchy," said Lapis, dejectedly tossing a pair of kings onto the table.

Jasper allowed herself a small grin. "Three of a kind." They were only twos, but there were three of them.

Bismuth whistled. "Perfect Quartz thinks she's the perfect card player too?"

Jasper's modest smirk neither confirmed nor denied the accusation.

"Well, either way, you beat the heck out of my hand. Tried to build something but it fell flat," said Bismuth spreading a five, six, seven, eight... and a queen of diamonds that looked like it'd been ran under a meat tenderizer.

"Ah, don't feel bad, Bismuth," said Steven.

"Yeah," added Connie. "We didn't get any pairs either." She spread the duo's cards in front of her.

Lapis made a choking sound and Jasper's eyes widened in surprise. Ten, Jack, Queen, King, Ace. A royal straight.

Garnet, who had folded immediately after being dealt her cards, gave the pair a thumbs up.

* * *

"I bet fifteen." Garnet slid a red and a blue token, snuggled together, toward the pot.

"Gah!" cried Lapis, her pigtails jutting out from beneath her visor and swaying from the force of her gesticulations. "She's cheating with future-vision! If you caught me cheating-"

"We did catch you cheating," said Jasper, her cards looking tiny in her large hands.

Bismuth laughed. "Yeah, that mirror water trick was cute, Blue, but hard to miss."

"And you made me stop!" agreed Lapis without a hint of shame. “Twofer over there has won the last three hands and she stopped bothering to look at her cards after the second!"

Sure enough, Garnet's cards were face down in front of her. "Beginner's luck," she said in a level tone.

"Hey, G-squad. The next time Con-con and Curls leave the table, I'm going to make a gesture. Wanna look ahead and see what it is?" snarked Lapis.

"I have a full sensor suite and fraud detection algorithm uploaded to Galatea to ensure fair gameplay tonight," offered Peridot.

"Would that catch future-vision bull crap?" replied Lapis dryly.

"Perhaps not," Peridot conceded with a huff. "Very well, if it will quell Lapis' objections, I believe I can provide a solution." Willing the temple door open, Peridot waved a floating finger in front of Galatea. "Fetch," she said and the finger flew through the door like a shot, Galatea making an excited chirp as she gamboled after it. 

Wolf raised his head over the lip of the table looking like he was missing out on something. Though Jasper scratching him behind the ears seemed to satisfy him.

There was a crash, another crash, the sound of something metallic bouncing across the floor --Peridot wincing after each noise-- and then Galatea came bounding back with a floating finger atop what looked like a spindle of CDs.

"Um, thank you, Galatea," managed Peridot, sparing a worried glance at her workshop before willing the door closed once more. Galatea gave a pleased chirp, glad to have helped. Then Peridot fanned the transparent discs out. "These are fifty-two display cylinders, each networked to the quantum computer within my limb enhancers. A chain of qubits set to decohere with precisely fifty-fifty odds each act as the random kernel against a high-quality negentropy source to-"

"Yo, Periberry, you wanna put that in Ruby-speak for me? You lost me about forty syllables back." Lapis ignored the less-than-pleased glare she received from Garnet.

Peridot sighed but didn't object. "These discs are assigned card values from a source so random, you'd have to examine more potential futures than there are grains of sand in Beach City to predict the outcome." She dealt the high-tech cards out and everyone stared at Garnet expectantly.

The fusion rocked slightly, third eye looking pained. With a gesture a set of mirrored shades appeared on the fusion's face. She picked up her cards and stared at them intently. "No bet," she said in a soft voice.

Fortunately, despite appearing transparent, the image of the card was only visible from the front. Steven asked how that worked but was loudly overruled by the rest of the table when Peridot started to oblige him.

When Bismuth's hand turned into a mining pick Peridot rounded on the smith and said sharply, "And if any of these are damaged for having a specific suit, I shall be most cross."

Bismuth looked startled, her hand reverting to normal with a flash. She shuffled her cards around. "Yeah, no problem, Green."

After the hand was over, Jasper winning with a full house, Connie excused herself for the bathroom and Steven hopped down to go refill the popcorn bowls.

Lapis made a gesture for Garnet's benefit. Garnet made one in return, having had plenty of time to think of her response.

* * *

"Five card draw, names wild," said Steven as Connie dealt the hands.

When the deal had rotated around to them, Connie had whistled for Wolf and then retrieved from the hound's pocket dimension a pair of visors. Sure Steven's read 'Universe World Tour 2002' in faded letters but the pair looked sharp regardless.

"Names wild?" Peridot's eyebrow was arched.

"Sure. Like 'Peridot' starts with a 'P' and a nine looks like a backwards 'P' so it'd be a wild card for you. Or an eight for Bismuth since that looks like a 'B,'" explained Steven.

"Doesn't that give you two squishies an advantage, having two names?" asked Bismuth.

Acting as though it had only just occurred to her, Connie said slowly, "Why, I guess you're right, it would." She and Steven shared a look and then giggled mischievously.

"Yeah, well, give it time and those two will have one fewer name between them. 'Steven Maheswaran' has a nice ring to it, don't you think, P?" said Lapis breezily.

Steven went beet red while Connie choked on her drink, sputtering.

After the dealers collectively recovered, cards were discarded and new cards dealt.

Steven and Connie were looking pretty pleased with their ace, five, five --"Because five is totally 'S' in Internet speak," Steven explained-- when Jasper cleared her throat and laid down her cards one at a time.

Jack, ace, nine, three, two.

"J-Ace-P-E-R?!" boggled the teens in unison.

The perfect Quartz dragged the pot and no one objected.

* * *

Garnet, the last of her chips gone, went and sat down on the couch.

"I told you you were cheating," said Lapis, who'd been driven chipless from the table fifteen minutes ago.

"Never said I wasn't," said Garnet unashamedly.

Jasper, in her usual spot on the couch, face buried in a book, gave an annoyed growl.

"Well I was cheating and I still lost bad," said Bismuth with a smile from where she was leaning against stairs to the loft.

Lapis rolled her eyes. "Yeah, scratching that seven to look like a nine. However did you get caught, you smooth criminal?"

"It was worth it to see Green flip out."

Lapis laughed. "Heh, yeah it was. Speaking of-"

"This is most improbable!" cried Peridot, her voice practically a shriek. Galatea, perhaps excited because its maker was excited (and not able to discern excitement from agitation) was doing a merry little robonoid dance from Peridot's shoulder, stubby limbs wiggling and waving.

Steven was dragging the pot while Connie was carefully stacking their winnings, the former pausing to wave back at the excited robonoid. "If you can't stand losing, don't play the game," goaded the girl.

Across the room, Lapis mimed wiping a proud tear away from her eye.

"You don't even know what game we're playing!" was Peridot's rejoinder.

"Blackjack," // "Old Maid," said Connie and Steven over one another before looking at the other surprised.

"We were playing Texas hold 'em!" Peridot's face couldn't decide if it was confused or upset and tried to settle for both.

The pair shrugged. "Beginner's luck?"

"Gnyaaah!"

* * *

"I had fun. Thank you all for inviting me," said Garnet, already standing atop the warp pad.

"Technically it was Bismuth who invited you," observed Peridot, the irked gem blowing off steam by taking something apart in the kitchen just so she could rebuild it.

"Thank you for tolerating me, then."

Jasper pointedly cleared her throat.

"Thank you," Garnet amended a final time and then vanished in a flash of light.

Steven and Connie were playing on the floor with Galatea while Jasper and Bismuth hauled the table and chairs back into the temple for storage.

Lapis waved at the departing fusion and then turned to the pair on the floor. "Beats the heck out of me how, but good job today you two."

"Beginner's luck," they both said without looking up.

Lapis rolled her eyes. "Right, right. Well, I'mma go see if I can con the donut kids into accepting poker chips. Wish me luck."

With everyone gone or distracted, Connie and Steven shared a furtive look. After a nod from Connie, Steven reached into his pocket and withdrew a thumb drive. "Here ya go. It has every robot movie I could think of that would fit. I even had Onion torrent the entire _Astro Boy_ manga collection, though I think most of it's in Japanese."

Galatea snatched up the drive, the stick disappearing into a panel. The robonoid chirped, seemingly unconcerned with the potential language barrier. It had been a fun game. And simple. Wave to the user designated 'The Steven' and/or 'Connie' when his/her cards would win. Galatea liked games. And robot media.

With a final chirp of farewell, Galatea trotted over toward the maker place. With a signal, the maker was alerted and willed the entrance open. The others would be most excited at the new entertainment Galatea brought.

* * *

The image faded into static.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This shifted away from being a Garnet _thing_ pretty quickly into a general gag reel and collection of antics. I would feel worse about that but part of the fun of these non-canon omakes is that I can be silly and let my attention wander. So while I'm a little sad Garnet played as small a role as she did, I'm not sorry with how this What-If answer turned out.
> 
> Oh, and while these What-Ifs are not canon as a whole, I reserve the right to sprinkle canon in here and there as I see fit. Something to keep in mind while reading these.

**Author's Note:**

> Keeping track of all the updates to Connie Swap can get a little difficult, can't it? It doesn't have to be! If you go to the [Connie Swap Series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/630527) page and click the " **Subscribe** " button then you will receive an email alert every time a new episode is posted or a new chapter is added to _ANY_ fic in Connie Swap.
> 
> One button. All the updates.


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